Autumn Angel | JHS ✔

.thirty.

The moment the elevator door closes and Hoseok and I are finally left alone, I drop down to the floor and curl into a ball. And I cry. I was so sick of this. Before everything that had happened within the last week, I had never been an overly emotional person. But now, it felt like I was nearly crying everyday. 

I feel myself being lifted off of the ground in Hoseok's arms and I'm carried out of the elevator and onto the giving material of a couch. Hoseok takes a seat next to me and I curl into his side, letting out everything. 

"I don't want to do this," I whine into his shirt. 

Hoseok just sighs, rubbing my arm and petting my hair. Both of us stay silent, the only sound being my sobs breaking his heart and mine a little more each time. Time blurs and when I'm sucked dry of tears, I don't know if minutes or days have passed. 

"How are you feeling? What are you thinking?" Hoseok asks softly. 

"I don't want to talk about it," I snap. My tone is harsh, tired, angry. I sigh and lift my head to kiss Hoseok's neck. "Sorry. It's just so exhausting to think about what we just went through, I don't really want to talk about it right now. All I know is that I don't ever want to go through that again." 

I'm met with silence, both of us knowing that Hoseok would be unable to make such a promise. 

The screeching of a chair causes me to lift my head. Namjoon takes a seat in front of us, the back of the chair facing our direction and his legs spread to rest on either side. He looks down at me with a frown. "Was it really bad?" 

"Namjoon, she-" 

"Yes," I answer, cutting off Hoseok. "Yes," I repeat with a sigh. "It was bad. It was terrible. It was worse than I could have ever imagined. And the fact that I will have to do stuff like that in the future, the fact that I will go through worse things makes me so exhausted. But what else can I do but continue to move forward? I was the one that decided to move forward with this decision. It's my own fault so I can't even blame anyone." 

"It's not your fault, Noona. It's no one's fault. Don't blame yourself and don't look for anyone to blame." 

I nod and wipe away my tears. 

Namjoon sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "How are you taking it? Not just today's events, but the entire week. How have you been?" 

"Namjoon, I don't really think she wants to talk about it right now." 

I rub my ear and give Hoseok a small smile, telling him I was now collected enough to discuss the situation. He just responds with a squeeze on my shoulder. "It's hard," I answer quietly. "If I'm being honest, I don't know how much more I can take." The sentence slowly fades into a whisper and Hoseok's arm around me tightens. I look up at his own eyes brimming with unshed tears. "Although I'm not the only one suffering. We're all struggling together." 

Hoseok nods. "I might even argue that seeing someone you care about so much struggle through something like this is even harder because all you can do is provide support. I wish I could change the situation. I wish I could do more." He kisses my forehead and I close my eyes. 

When I look at Namjoon again, he's deep in thought and his jaw is clenched. 

"Joon-ah?" 

"Sorry, Hobi. I just really can't stop thinking about Yuna." 

"Ah." 

I look between them, confused by the unfamiliar name. 

"He has a girlfriend," Hoseok answers. 

My eyes widen and Namjoon nods to confirm the statement. "We've been keeping it private the entire time, but seeing the consequences of possibly getting discovered makes me uneasy, I guess." 

I nod, unsure of what to tell him. I couldn't tell him I was fine to reassure him of his relationship with his girlfriend. In all honesty, I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone. 

Namjoon stands up and pushes in his chair with his head down and expression still solemn. "I'll see you guys around," he mutters, his mind obviously elsewhere. 

Both of us raise our hands to wave goodbye but he doesn't even acknowledge it as he walks away. 

"Will he be okay?" 

Hoseok sighs. "I honestly don't know. This situation is affecting all of us in different ways. However, I want you to know that it isn't your fault. Don't think this is on you. Please keep that in mind." 

I nod and then stand up. Hoseok's eyes lift to follow the movement and then drops when I extend my hand. "Come on. You said you wanted us to start that choreography for times like these, right?" 

Hoseok's signature grin reappears and he shakes his head while taking my hand. "You are way too positive, it's not fair. Anyone else in your situation would have already broken down by now." 

I blow him a playful kiss. "I'm not anyone else and you know that. I'm fine. We're chilling." 

Actually, I had been drawing everyday for the past week due to everything. The pain was becoming so familiar it was something I actually enjoyed feeling at this point. It was my only escape from the numbing of all the emotions. When I was drawing was when I finally felt alive. It was a reminder that I was still here, that all of the events, the world, hadn't drowned me out yet. But telling Hoseok that I know will only make him feel worse and put more of a burden on his shoulders, and it already hurt to see him in pain because of me. 

"Hang on, are you going to dance in that?" 

I look down at my woolen knit dress and laugh. In order to give me a more feminine image to the cameras, I had tried my hardest to somehow make a dress work even in the winter weather. On top of my dress is Hoseok's overcoat and the entire outfit is pulled together with knee-high boots. I don't mind the outfit and was actually quite proud of myself for matching it all together, but I was in no condition to dance. 

"I have some spare clothes in my studio. Come with me." 

Both of us change into more comfortable shirts and sweatpants, with me having to roll up the waistline to match my shorter legs and pull on the string endlessly to accommodate my smaller waist. Everything is way too oversized on me and Hoseok just laughs. We enter the large practice room and Hoseok immediately pulls up the upbeat song we had decided on. 

Because both of us tried to be happier people, the song sounds energetic, but the meaning behind the song struck a chord within both of us. It described both of our similar personalities so perfectly. And now, with everything that had happened, it described my new life so perfectly: fake happiness.

//

So in case anyone is coming from Namjoon and Yuna's story Just as Friends, I hope you now better understand why Namjoon did what he did during the climax of their story. Being in his situation and having to watch Autumn go through this allows his reaction to make more sense.