Autumn Angel | JHS ✔

.thirty-eight.

Stop, Autumn. You should stop, Autumn. Look away. Put down the phone. Stop scrolling. 

But I can't stop. I know I should stop but I can't. And so the screen on my phone continues to shift as I sort through the comments, begging one to be about my own talent. My phone vibrates again and my eyes shift to the top of my screen. The notification box of a new email from an unrecognizable name pops up before fading away. It would probably be another one about how I wasn't good enough for Hoseok, how I should go kill myself, and how I was using him for fame and money. The comments and messages are all invalid, and I know that. So then why was I putting so much value to them? Why did I continue to read them all and degrade myself further? Finally, my fingers press on the power button and I drag a hand down my face, tired, exhausted, and frustrated. 

"Fifteen minutes!" 

I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this. I don't want to put on another fake smile and act all happy and bubbly for the same people that were telling me to die. What was the point? Why did I have to showcase false confidence? 

The touch of a familiar hand on mine reminds me that no matter how much I complain, the fact still remains that I have to do this. I was already here. There would be no use in going home now. I stand up but tug my hand out of Hoseok's grasp. I don't bother looking at him, afraid that his hurt expression would affect the fire of fury that was making my body hot all over. 

"Angel?" 

"Let's go, Hobi. Fifteen minutes." 

I shouldn't be mad at him. I had no right to be mad at him. But when you're confused and lost and angry, you feel a need to be mad at something, anything. That's how I feel now. I feel a need to be angry at at least something tangible and within reach so that I could at least express my feelings. I want to draw. The desire to draw consumes all of my thoughts but I'm in no environment to draw right now. For the moment, I would have to push through. 

Hoseok follows me out of the dressing room and to the set. Loud laughter and conversation can already be heard and I stop next to the barrier blocking us from the others' views. There were still a couple of minutes left until we had to go on. There was still some time before I had to present the best version of myself, even when I currently was at my worst. 

A hand grabs mine and spins me around. I twist my hand out of Hoseok's and glare up at him. 

"Speak to me, Angel. You promised you would communicate. Hiding in this shell and blocking me out is going to do nothing. I said I was here to help you. Stop forcing yourself to go through this alone. What did I do wrong? How can I fix it?" 

I remain silent for a second and just continue staring at him. In his own eyes he expresses his own frustration and confusion. Was it directed at me? The thought of the possibility makes me angrier. 

"I'm just angry, Hobi. I'm so frustrated. I'm confused and lost and lonely." 

"Why? What did I do?" 

I shake my head. "Not you. The world. The expectations. The lack of privacy. The conclusions. The assumptions." I run a hand through my hair and Hoseok does the same. "We shot the dance video two weeks ago, Hobi. Two weeks. For two weeks I barely got contact from you, couldn't see you. And now that I finally get to see you, I have to be careful of every single movement because of some stupid camera holding ridiculous, invalid judgements. When's the last time we met up without the rest of the world watching, Hobi? When's the last time we were truly able to just be ourselves?" 

Hoseok sighs. "I understand why you're angry, but there isn't anything we can do but move forward." 

I want to scream. I want to punch the wall. "So what? I'm just expected to live the rest of my life like this?" 

"Aren't you being a little ungrateful?" 

I'm shocked at his throw, and even more moved by the tone of his voice. The tone that I had always been so terrified of, but now, it only makes me angrier. 

"There are idol couples that barely see each other a couple of times a year and have to interact mostly online. There are couples that can't even go out on dates in fear of being caught. I get it, this isn't the most ideal situation, but instead of complaining about everything you don't like, why can't you just be grateful that you get to see me at all?" 

"Hobi-" 

"No! I'm not done. My company just barely managed to squeeze my being on this show into my schedule. They squeezed this in, even with comeback a month away. If it weren't for this, I would be with my other members practicing right now. But instead, I'm taking the time to go on this show with you. Sure, it's the only time we get to see each other, but I told you before to just wait until after comeback. Why can't you just be a little more patient?" 

Both of us are breathing heavily, our gazes intense and fierce. Even with my smaller size, I feel like I could do anything with the amount of energy begging to be released right now. 

Hoseok closes his eyes and shakes his head. "We can't do this right now. We're about to go on. We need to have this conversation later." 

Another hand runs through my hair. The fact that we couldn't even argue like any other couple made me even angrier. The fact that we had to go onto that set with smiles on our faces like nothing was happening made me want to burst. But he was right. We needed to set our different opinions aside for now. 

My throat aches from having to shout in a whisper and when Hoseok reaches up to massage his own neck, I know he's uncomfortable too. I force myself to count to ten and take deep breaths. 

"You alright?" Hoseok asks in a whisper. 

I wipe away the single tear that escaped and nod. Both Hoseok and I let out a sigh and I move to wrap my arms around him. He reacts immediately, pulling me closer and inhaling deeply. "And you? Are you alright?" I ask softly. 

Lips press against my hair. "I will be, Angel. We'll get through this." 

The statement that once was encouraging now brings up thousands of doubts but I force them aside, knowing now was not the time. With a cue of a producer, Hoseok and I open the door, walking onto the set. The loud greetings of seven other men meet us and both of us bow, large smiles on our faces.

Smile for the camera.