Autumn Angel | JHS ✔

.forty-five.

The pool turns to a beautiful blush of pink as it reflects the lemonade splashed in the sky. Clouds are disguised as cotton candy and I enjoy the moment of silence as I take another sip of wine. The artificial grass completes the outdoor scenery set out in front of me, making it feel like I was on the inside of a painting. For the first time in weeks, my mind is clear, and I try to keep it that way by not thinking about what I knew I needed to. 

I didn't know what to do from here. All I knew is that this peace coming from finally being away from the prying eyes of the public has left me with the least amount of stress I've had in months. 

When the ringtone of an incoming call breaks the tranquility, I want to throw my phone in the pool. However, when I read the name written across the screen, my thumb immediately moves to accept the call and I lift the phone to my ear with a smile on my lips. 

"Namjoon-ah, I miss you so much," words tumble out. 

Namjoon chuckles. "I miss you too, Noona. How are you holding up?" 

I rub my ear. "I mean I could be better, but that's kind of expected. I'm ready to move forward, though." 

"I'm glad to hear that. Really." 

"How's Hoseok?" The question is asked out loud without even thinking. 

"Same as you. Sad, disappointed, but knowing that this was the best option. Especially with comeback in a week, he hasn't really had time to be sad." 

The thought frustrates me, bringing back negative emotions. This is another reminder of why I needed a change of environment. Hoseok couldn't even deal with this breakup like any other person. 

"I want to thank you, Noona, for doing what you did. It was a hard decision, but as I continue to think about it, I think you did the right thing. I think you did the best thing, and I hope you have no regrets." 

I sigh and trace the rim of my wine glass. "I guess it's too early to determine if I have any yet. I really hope I don't end up having any though." 

"I'm sure you would have more regrets if you didn't make the choice though." 

I tilt my head. "Fair point." And it's that thought alone that is the driving force of continuing to find myself again. 

"Actually, Noona, I called to give you some news. The company decided to release the news of the breakup after we finish promoting." There's a pause, and the fact that I have no expectations for what he's going to say next makes the brief moment even scarier. "I know you did this to have your own life, away from the public, but considering how people have reacted to other relationship breakups in the past, the feedback you'll get won't be pretty. Considering the status of our group and the fact that Hobi's an idol at all only means that what you're going to go through may be extremely taxing. 

"Because of that, all of us agreed that it would be best if you release your own video explaining your side of the story so that there's less room for people to make assumptions, because they seem to be the best at that. I'll text you the date the articles will be released. It would be best if you published your video on the same day or soon after." 

One more. One final video, and then I would truly be free from these shackles. "I understand, Namjoon. I'll make the video. Thank you for telling me." 

"Of course. I actually have to go to practice now, but I'm glad I was able to talk to you." 

I smile. "Same here. Have fun." 

"Fun? Sure. Stay healthy, Noona." 

I laugh. "Bye." 

The moment I hang up, my name is called by a familiar, excited voice, and I turn around to spot Aria with her own wine glass in one hand and a platter of fruit in the other. "You look lonely." 

I smile and pick off a grape when she sets down the plate on the table in front of us. "Not lonely. Just me and my conscience." 

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

The thought of talking about the confusion held in my brain exhausts me, but I know that I can't continue to refuse to figure out what I was going to do from here. "I know I'm going to first need a therapist. That's the only thing I know for sure. Considering everything I've gone through the past few months, and especially considering how I never really healed from my relationship with Seung-goon, along with the sense of abandonment due to my parents being so distant while raising me, I know that I need professional help, and I'm not afraid of seeking it out." 

Aria smiles proudly at me. "Look at you making healthy mental health decisions." 

I smile with her. "I know right? Character development at its finest." I rub my ear. "After that, everything is blurred. I don't really know what path I want to take in terms of my career. I would love to stay in dancing, but I've also considered somehow incorporating art to hold more of a weight in my life. Whatever I do, I just want to be happy. I want to wake up everyday, feeling excited to live my life. I don't want to live in fear." 

Aria pours herself a glass of wine and rests her elbows on the table. "You can always use me for anything you need. I'm starting to get exposed to a lot more people so you have a large range of resources at hand. However, I can't promise active engagement while you go through this process. My schedule only continues to grow busier." 

I rub my ear and nod. "I understand. I'm grateful that I'm able to be here with you at all." 

A pang of guilt stabs my chest. Was this maybe the mindset I was supposed to have with Hoseok? Maybe he was right that time we fought. Maybe I was just being ungrateful. 

I force the thoughts away. This was different. Now, I didn't always feel like I was being watched. I wasn't being put in positions where I was forced to question the root of Aria's actions and emotions, and I wasn't always being attacked with judgement. I needed to move on with my life, and thinking about any possible regrets would not help with this healing process. 

"Autumn." My eyes turn to Aria when she pulls me from my thoughts. "Remember what we would always do at night when we were younger?" 

I tilt my head and my silence is enough of an answer for her. 

"Skinny dipping." 

A smile breaks out onto my face and both of us stand up simultaneously to drop our clothes to the cement and break the image of the sunset reflected in the still water of the pool. We chase each other around, splashing and laughing, and I'm freed from any negative thoughts. The sun says goodnight behind us as we reenact our lives from a more innocent, brighter childhood.