Draculara

Chapter 1: Mom has Lost it!

       Hello again! Once again Draculara has a terrible potty mouth and so does her friend....You'll meet him soon. I hope you enjoy!

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Chapter 1: Mom has Lost It!

         "My mom is a ball-sucking whore-monger."

        I almost did a spit take, which would have been gross, considering what I was drinking. "Okay, firstly, what the hell is a whore-monger? And secondly, why?" I couldn't help the smirk that wanted to crawl up onto my lips. Nat Kosky was my best friend in the whole wide world and the only human outside my mother who actually knew what I was, growled into her extra large blue raspberry SIP-A-CUP.

        "How the hell am I supposed to know, I read it in one of those books we had to read for English, or something…." Her normally white teeth were stained blue, which contrasted oddly with her dark chocolate skin. "And why? Well that's because she brought home another douche bag last night."

        "What happened to the last douche bag? And speaking of douche bag's, what number is this four, five?" I shifted my body, as comfortable as our park bench was, sometimes those wooden slats can dig into some very uncomfortable places. Nat's mom was notorious for taking anything home for a night of fun as long as they frequented all the bars, bought her a few drinks, and was covered in tattoos. It had been a while since I had last seen her and her newest conquest, so I wasn't positive what number this poor sap was.

        "Seven actually. And it's not just any regular douche bag…It's Jerry!" Nat shuddered visibly and this time I actually choked in my effort not to spit blood all over the nice old lady glaring at us as she walked her poodle past our park bench. Hey don't glare at us lady, it wasn't our fault you walked past us. Anyway, I thumped my chest with my fist and coughed. "W-what? Jerry? Mechanic Jerry? The giant who felt you up and then decided to hate your guts for the rest of your life? That Jerry?!" My voice was incredulous, from what happened months ago, I didn't think Jerry would even consider having anything to do with Nat or her family.

        "No, the other homophobic tattooed Jerry." Nat smacked me upside the head, her gaudy rings making a dull thudding sound as they collided with my head. As I rubbed the sore spot, I glared at her and stuck out my tongue. "Idiot. What other Jerry is there?"

        "I don't know….maybe one of the guys you constantly try to hook up with was named Jerry?" I shrugged and leaned back, "I mean, you never really find out their names, and not one of them stay after they find out what you got up your skirt…." I let my head flop back and closed my eyes against the sun, which decided to appear right then and fry my delicate eyeballs.

        "It's not my fault I was born into a man's body with a woman's soul and tastes!" Nat's voice was getting snippy, like it always did when it came to her gender. (She doesn't like it when people stereotype) "I mean, come on, they thought I was sexy enough when they were hanging offa me in the club! Why should it be any different when they get me outta my skirt? Hell! They should be grateful, I can't get pregnant, that, and I don't have those giant milk jugs weighing me down!" Nat flipped her long dreads over her shoulder, staring at my 'milk jugs' as if they were two tumors growing out of my chest. I crossed my arms over my chest, partly to obstruct her view, mostly to save my girls from a hole being burned through by the power of my friends glare.

        "I understand that, and I take offense to that! My boobs are perfectly fine! And why should it matter if they don't like you just because you are a guy? If they do, then they aren't the right type of guy for you." A squeak interrupted my righteous argument as Nat threw herself at me and nearly strangled me with a hug. Clawing at her constrictive, vice-like grip, I continued, "It might also contribute to the fact that you are one smokin' hot babe and you refuse to attend gay bars…" Her grip tightened at the beginning, but then she released me so abruptly that I was dizzy. I blinked at her, her venomous glare had me cringing in my seat.