I want to change for the better
I want to be the better version of myself
But whenever I tried to fix me and my issues from the past
Everything starts to crumble down
All the visions and goals I looked up for the future me will instantly fade
Just one negative thought and all the things I did to better myself would be wasted
I hate being me, I'd rather be gone for good than continously hurting people surround me
I hate seeing people been disappointed for my actions that I have no control to begin with
I know what I should response whenever I'm calm
But when the confrontation was in front of me
I'll just snap instantly, completely forgetting things I should react whenever a situations like that occured to me
I hate myself for being me haha I want to seek for a help but my family only sees me as spoiled brat
I tried to re-connect with my friends but it seems to me that they kept their distance far from me
Maybe because they are tired of listening with all my rants in life
They need a peaceful mind, away from a toxic individual like me
I always remind myself that, it's totally okay to be yourself but whenever I did that. Everyone will start to walk away.
That's why I'd ended up pleasing everyone so they would stay a little longer
And the result was completely losing myself
I don't know exactly who I am. Is this what really makes me happy?. Am I happy in the first place? Is this what I really wanted? What should I do? If I become that kind of person would they stay or still choosing to leave me?
What Am I thinking? I shouldn't think this way 'coz I'm a psych major right? No, because I'm a lost individual who needs help. NVM.
