In-between

chapter 16

“Good morning.” He greets me as soon as I made my way into his Range Rover.
I gaze up at him, my eyes finding his and locking it.
“So now you want to talk to me?” I snap at him which in turn made him scoff and shake his head.
“I don’t mind not speaking but honestly you need the distraction.” He shrugs as he starts the car.
“This is stupid, why did she send you in the first place?” I huff and turn my attention to the houses flying by.
“You don’t want me to answer that.” he simply answers and turns the radio on to drawn out my annoyed huff.
There was a stretched silence where we had arrived at the city bank and he finally sighs.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks his eyes watching me briefly.
“No.” I reply coldly my eyes stuck to the window and the view outside.
“You know out of all people I should be mad at you, why are you even angry?” He narrows his eyes.
“I’m not mad; I’m just annoyed is all.” I tell him as I turn my head to look at him who was already looking at me.
He stares a few seconds before turning his attention to the road again.
“Where are we going?”
“I don’t even know, I have to call the station again.” I shake my head as I fish my phone out of my front pocket.
He looks at me surprised, “When Naomi told me you had an emergency, I didn’t know it was this serious.” He chuckles.
I rolled my eyes and pressed the button to call the station again, after gaining all the information I need I told Harry that we were supposed to be out of town and in the border of Minneapolis.
“Are you fucking kidding me, I didn’t even have breakfast and I have a headache.” He whines like a child who was refused to have dessert after dinner.
“Stop complaining, you chose to come, I didn’t ask for your help.” I scold him giving him side glares.
“You’d be surprised how many people were willing to come, people you consider friends.” He scoffs making me so uncomfortable at the mention of my words a couple of nights ago.
“Are you still on that? When would you let it go?” I huff his mere existence getting on my last nerve and the thought of spending over an hour in a car with him makes me even crazier.
“I don’t do grudges but it took me by surprise.” He simply informed me his attention focused on the traffic that’s starting to get heavy as the day approaches.
“What took you by surprise? That I told you I never thought of you as a friend and just some dude? Why does that upset you? You’re always trying so hard to make yourself known you go above and beyond and… and I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this but it’s annoying and it’s the many things I hate about you.” I blurt my fingers digging into my jeans in frustration. If I had the nerve I would actually open the door and jump from the car and not blink twice about it.
He was quite for a while before he whispered so low I didn’t think he meant for me to hear but due to the tension I so willingly expand; the silence was ear piercing.
“I’m sorry.”
I turned around so swiftly I think I might get whiplash but the words that just left his mouth caught me off guard.
“What did you just say?” I breathe out my hands going mush on my denim. He just glances at me his hand resting so casually on the steering wheel and the other one is bent on the console between us.
“I said I’m sorry, why does that surprise you?” He asked confused and nothing comes out of my mouth that kept opening and closing repeatedly.
My gaze was fixated on his side profile; his sharp jaw catching my attention as the morning sun casts a shadow on it.
To be honest I can’t think of a single reason why Harry’s apology caught me off guard, he’s not Dylan; this type of things are normal to him and apologizing to someone even after you know it’s not your fault says a lot about your personality and that adds up to the gazillion things I adore about him. But he doesn’t have to know about those thoughts at all.
“It doesn’t.” I smiled a closed lipped smile and turned my attention to my phone trying hard not to ponder on what just happened.
The thoughts running through my brain are restless and mind numbing but I keep going through them one by one.
“Why are you nice to me? Why do you always bounce right back whenever I push you away?” I wonder out loud my eyes still looking out the window.
He looks like he is thinking about the answer before he turned to look at me when he stopped at a red light.
“I don’t know if you know this but I had a little brother…”
Had, the word rings in my head like a warning bell on where he’s going with this.
“He’s actually not that young, I’m only older by a year, we were best friends and god knows no one can come between us, we were inseparable.” His hands fly to the steering wheel when the lights turned green as his eyes glancing at me and the road at an equal distance.
“We had this tradition at July 4th to make it our own celebration day because obviously we’re not Americans; we had a place… actually a tree house we had built when we were 15.” He shakes his head and I was just stunned that he was telling me all this and why.
I look at him encouraging him to continue his story as I unbuckled the seatbelt and turned fully towards him.
“You should put that back on.” He softly warns me but I just shake my head in refusal. He murmurs something in between Stubborn under his breath and chuckles at the face I made.
“Anyways we always would go there and do this thing where we each bring a piece of paper and exchange it; it was a list of things we hated about each other over the years or something we want each other to improve since Emma and my dad moved to New York me and my brother grew even more closer.”
“I know it’s silly but it was our thing and it felt good when you see the changes you so desperately wanted gone because you care. He was an amazing brother and a great friend, One day on the 4th of July I had wrote something he thought I didn’t know; My list was full with shit I wanted him to stop doing.” He chuckles bitterly and my hands fly towards him aching to wrap it around him for some kind of comfort but something inside me told me not to. I’m the last person he needs comfort from.
I might not know how it is losing someone close to you forever but I do think I had lost a couple of people I thought were going to stick forever but the worst part is not because they’re gone naturally but because they betray you and from my little to none experience in my 19 years of life I haven’t felt pain that hurt when you get betrayed by your loved ones over and over again.
Abby was one of them, we were also inseparable but God knows that’s not true, proving us wrong after 11 years of friendship. We met when I was 7 and she was 8, they had just moved in the neighborhood and I remember how ecstatic I was to know that a girl my age is just across the street.
“Keep going Harry.” I smile an appreciative smile at him, reminding him that he has to finish the story in order for it to make sense and for me to figure out why he even mentioned it on the first place.
“He wasn’t very happy with the list and he decided to lash out on me and that I can’t ask him to give up whatever was on the list and that it was a part of him now, that’s when I knew that I had lost a part of my brother too.  It wasn’t long after I caught him in bed with a chick he doesn’t even know, a cigarette in between his slick fingers as he fucked her into the mattress.” His face was stolid and void of any emotions, I stare at him thinking that I had pushed him to hard and now he was someone else entirely that sweet smile and sparkling eyes nowhere to be seen.
“Oh my God Harry.” I whisper desperately trying for him to just pull over and spill everything he has bottled up for months or even more.
“He was someone else and the Shawn I knew was long gone, what I didn’t notice was he was far too deep for me to dig him out, to save him, he didn’t want to be saved.” He exhales heavily all the emotions drifting slowly to his pale face.
“He was on drugs Amber and I knew for months I didn’t say anything not to be someone he doesn’t want to get shit from for it so I kept quiet I didn’t tell a soul, not my parents not my friends not even God.” His voice sounded hysterical and collected at the same time and I’m wondering how he manages to do that.
“It wasn’t easy watching someone you adore destroy their selves with a bunch of chemicals, so I waited for July 4th and wrote everything I wanted him to quit.
“Alcohol, drugs, random meaningless sex and so on. I had thought that maybe he would stop if I tell him to and I blamed myself for not doing this earlier. I thought he would keep his promise and stay the fuck away from the things I write because those are the rules.” 
My chest shook as I attempted to calm myself. It throbbed my brain and suffocated my breathing, destroying me slowly as I begged thoughts of how this story ends to change.
“He wasn’t cut out for this, out of the 2 of us he was always the one planning things, organizing, ruling and to see that he was being controlled by a bunch of drugs killed me. He didn’t even show all the pre-drug signs, he was perfectly okay, he had nothing to forget and drown so I was confused why he thought doing drugs was better.” he murmured another shaky breath dragged through his lips as he clung to the steering wheel.
“I thought you needed a reason to drown yourself in alcohol every second of every day but apparently for him he thought it was trendy, the latest fashion. He was selfish, didn’t think about anyone around him, and just went along with the crowd like a flock of sheep.” his anger was managing to squeeze out of him the lamp in his throat making it almost impossible for him to speak but he kept going.
“I let him destroy himself for something bigger than him, He let it control him Amber and that’s what it did.  It completely took over and has destroyed the person I adored and instead left a shell of a man. He was out of control so I gained some courage and talked to him about it. He told me to fuck off and I did, I didn’t look twice I just fled and came here to Minnesota. After months of not speaking, my mum called me and told me that I’m the only one who’s able to bring him back but I was way too stubborn to return unless he was the one asking. My parents begged me to come back for him but I refused. After a year I got a call from my mum informing me that my brother was ill.” Even though he tried to hide it; his voice wavered in the end of his sentence and I saw him hold back his tears as he focused on the road ahead of us.
“Omg, Harry, I’m so sorry, oh my God I didn’t know.” I gasp as he revealed the story farther more and it was even worse than I had expected it to be.
“If I wasn’t so neglectful and full of myself I would have taken a minute or however it takes to make him feel better or try to understand why he even started doing drugs in the first place. He was my brother but I acted like he was just a stranger, I didn’t bother to help him.” Harry says and I can tell from the way he was clenching his jaw that he was trying to control the emotions trying to break free.
“No, don’t blame yourself , it’s not your fault. You’ve tried to help him the only way you know how and you even went to the extent of holding yourself back when all you wanted to do was tell your parents because you know it would upset him. Please don’t blame yourself because what happened back in Colorado was out of your control.” I try to reason with him but he only shakes his head in disagreement.
“Please listen to me; I know it may look like you could’ve done something but honestly Harry, that’s the ugliest thing about drugs, once you let them control you there is no going back. Like you said your brother was long gone and nothing you could’ve done would have helped him. I’m sorry Harry, I’m terribly sorry but I don’t think you should blame yourself about this.”
“I don’t think you get it at all Amber; My brother was calling for me, he was asking for my help and I was too stubborn to give a damn. I think everything that happened is my fault because I had the chance of saving him.” He spat his voice full of self hatred and venom I was scared to meet his eyes.
I don’t know how long it would take me to help him look at the situation my way but he has spent half his lifetime convincing himself that what happened was his fault and just because I spoke oppositely doesn’t make him forget about all those in a day.
What I’m trying to wonder is why he even brought it up when I asked him why he cared about me.

Ello my lovely people let me know how it is so far and please tell your friends to go and check it out.  I hope you enjoyed the chapter next one is right up. ☺☺