How Do We Live?

Chapter 13: Phagocytosis

"First day, done! Third Year, bring it on!" Sigaw ni Annica ng makalabas kami ng school para dumiretso sa isang coffee shop. I finally inserted my B5 binder inside my bag bago tuluyang sumunod sa kanila.

"You know he's just so masculine! I couldn't" Nilingon ko si Annica dahil sa mga iling ni Aryanna. I look at her and she just looks dreamy on that hands on her face. Well, I guess Annnica found another boy to play with.

"You seriously should stop that." Aryanna said while looking down on her laptop and encoding all those readings that she has. Saludo talaga ako dito, even with all our busy stuff, nagagawa niya pa ding isabay iyong pagiging analyst niya. Iba nga naman kapag may landi sa katawan kasabay ng pagtratrabaho.

"Ay Monique! I forgot to tell you that I saw your engineer and that smart-ass with a good ass guy. Remember iyong nasa bahay niyo tayo. The one who weirdly followed us into your room. Creepy" Napatigil agad ako sa sinabi ni Annica. I look at her and look back down at my coffee dahil sa guilt na naramdaman sa dibdib ko.

Ow shoot.

"Ba't di mo ko sinasagot? Nag-shoot kami noong nakaraan sa Intramuros 'tas nakita ko iyong lalaki doon sa Starbucks noong nag merienda kami. The engineer guy kinda wave at me. IDK." I can feel a void manifest inside my chest because of what Annica said.

Hindi ko na nga siya ini-isip madalas, eh. I've been doing a lot of things to consume my time pero wala, eto pa rin ang nangyayari. Somewhat, everything reminds me of him. I kinda feel so guilty about it already. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit.

After that incident sa bahay ay hindi na ako naglakas loob na harapin siya ulit or to even contact him. Natatakot ako! I shoo him away after that happened to me at hindi ko na siya ulit nakita. I stop going to our study session, I stop using his account on my devices. I just stop.

I feel so embarrassed and scared how I look like in front of him. I can still clearly remember how I act up a few months ago and I really feel like shit after that. I needed to subside my anxiety, I need to control my thoughts, it's all been draining and adding Rahim to the plate will make it worse. I don't have that much energy in me left.

"What? Who's that Monique? You have a guy?" Agad akong umiling sat alas ng tono ni Aryanna ng sabihin niya iyon.

"Wala!" I immediately said pero mukhang hindi siya kombinsido sa sinabi ko.

"Annica! What are you talking about?!" Agad na tanong ni Aryanna.

"Kasi noong doom's day ni Monique noong nakaraan, when we got home there is this guy—" And she continue to shove Aryanna what happened that time.

Napahilot na lamang ako sa aking sentido because here comes Aryanna's nonstop lecture of how I should be careful when it comes to guys. I should always maintain my personal space, etc. etc.

When we finished that Friday coffee sesh ay agad kong tinignan ang wrist watch ko. There's atleast three hours left before Rahim's class start.

"Aren't you coming home?" Tanong ni Annica sa akin. Agad akong napapikit at bahagyang nanalangin na hindi siya magpahatid ngayong araw! Make use of her money! Jesus Christ she doesn't even have a car with her!

"I'm- ano... going to my mom in Katipunan." I said na agad niyang pinanliitan ng mata. I smile awkwardly at her.
"You're fucking lying. But take care my love." Natatawa niyang saad bago nag-book ng masasakyan. I suddenly feel guiltier on what I've been doing lately.

"Nica." I said before she can even ride on the motorcycle.

"I'm going to Intramuros." I said as she wears the helmet.

"I know bitch. Whatever business you have with that guy, call me when things go wrong." She said and winks at me before tapping the riders shoulder and they take off.

Napailing na lamang ako sa sinabi ni Nica. I can really appreaciate them. I really love these folks.

Nasa sasakyan pa lamang ako ay sobra na akong kinakabahan sa pwedeng mangyari. I look at my wrist watch and knew that I still have time. Hindi ko alam kung bakit koi to ginagawa ngayon but I want to make sure.

I want to at least say sorry to him for my actions. I'm so rude that time. And I at last want to see him, kahit sungitan niya ako. I just want to say story for like 'ghosting' him pero hindi naman ako nang-ghost kasi hindi naman kami romantically-attached with each other.

Bakit ba ko nagpapaliwanag?!

Nang makapag-park na ako ay agad na nagpawis ang mga palad ko dahil sa kaba. Paano kung wala naman pala siya doon? Or nagkataon lang si Annica na maabutan sina Rahim doon? Anong gagawin ko kung andoon nga talaga siya? Lalapit ba ako?

"Okay, Monique. Deep breathes." I said to myself before going out of my car and holding my bag tightly dahil namamasa na ang mga palad ko sa lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko.

Nang iilang hakbang na lang bago ang Starbucks ay parang nag-alangan akong tumuloy. I stop in my feet and reinternalize if what I'm doing with my whole body being here in this place is right?

"What the hell is wrong with me?" I whisper to myself.

Noong nakaraan lang ay ayaw na ayaw kong tumapak rito. Hindi ko ala kung dahil ba sa hiya o takot. Hindi ko alam. Pati nga si engineer na hindi ko naman madalas makita sa bahay ay sinisigurdo kong iniiwasan ko! Dios mio!

When seconds passed, agad na akong tumalikod at naglakad but stop and face the way of the starbucks again and walks towards it.

This better be good! I'm risking all my will power on this and if turns out to be such a mess! I swear!

Nang dahan-dahan kong iaangat ang tingin ko sa labas ng Starbucks ay agad kumalabog ang dibdib ko ng makita ko siya roon.

I was awe to finally see him after months. It's funny to say that I miss him saying 'fuck', his mean attitude towards every person in this palnet. Everything about him feels radiating now that he's there, physically sitting behind the clear glass.

A part of me misses his dark sweatshirts with all those formal dress shirts underneath it. Hindi ko mapigilan na titigan siya habang nakatungo roon sa table, our usual table, writing on his expensive yellow pad with those expensive gel pen too. His forehead has creases on it and his iPad is on his side.

Mas lalo akong na-guilty na andito nga siya ngayon. Is he waiting on me to arrive? Is he here because he thinks that I will come today? Or the past few days?

Or is it just my wild imaginations running through.

Para akong natigil sa paghinga ng itaas niya ang ulo at agad na tumingin sa banda ko. Imbes na magtago o gumalaw man lang ay mas naistatwa ako sa kinatatayuan ko. Ang tagusang titig niya sa akin na parang alam niya na kanina pa ako nakatitig sa kanya. He's eyes remained cold and expressionless, just how I could remember those eyes.

Ang madilim niyang mata na nakatitig sa akin ay parang nilulukob ang buong pagkatao ko. I look at him as he looks at me. A shades of emotions cross his face as he looks on me. I nimble on my lower lips as he continues to stares at me with those intriguing eyes, as if saying all my miserable mistakes in life.