Off Limits [EDITING ON PROGRESS]

19. This is Not Goodbye

We headed back to the cabin when it was almost time for dinner. After successfully pushing Luna Canoea back to the water, we slowly paddled while enjoying the lake's tranquility. The water on this side was always calm since the pine trees blocked the wind from the hills.

We sat at both ends of the canoe, with me taking the front seat. I wanted to wait until we were back inside the cabin to continue my twenty-one questions, but I couldn't stop the urges.

"What happened after Katherine and Sam got divorced?" I asked, looking sideways.

"After she left Sam, I was forced to face my worst fear once again," she replied, her soft voice traveling over the sound of water gurgling around our paddles. "Especially when she turned to James for comfort. I started to close up to protect myself, just like what I did back then. Luckily, I have my work this time to focus on, to keep me sane. James assured me nothing was going on between him and Katherine. He was just helping her the way she helped us during my depression. That was until one day he came home and confessed that he and Katherine kissed."

I sucked in my breath, feeling my heart bleeding at the betrayal.

"He begged for forgiveness and promised it would never happen again. He said he would stop all contact with her since helping her turned out to be a mistake. But I told him to do exactly the opposite."

"What? Why?" I tightened my grip on the paddle, halting the blade movement and causing the canoe to change direction.

"I don't know if what I'm going to say makes sense to you. But I'd been living with the fear of losing him to her for far too long. When the day finally came, the fear started losing its grip on me. Despite how much it hurt me, I felt oddly relieved because the fear wasn't just something I'd created in my head. It was real.

"I told James to go and be with her because I didn't want him to go through one more day with me while pondering how life would've been with her, especially since she was single again. There was only one way to find out."

"But that's crazy!" I exclaimed, swiveling in my seat to face her. We practically stopped paddling now.

"That's what he said, too. However, after a series of long talks, arguments, and screaming matches, I still didn't want to change my mind about it. He got very pissed." My mom closed her eyes as she took a deep breath, and I knew the worst part was about to come. "One night he came home and told me he'd slept with her and challenged me if I was happy to hear that."

My eyes stung and my vision became blurry. "Mom," I whimpered, wishing I could go to her and hug her without risking the canoe to tip.

"I told him that was exactly what I wanted to hear. It was my ticket to set me free. I know I was being selfish. I could see I'd hurt him so badly, but it just needed to end. And I promised myself this was going to be the last time he dealt with my messed-up mind." She frowned. "If you were in my shoes, carrying this feeling for more than twenty years until you didn't know anymore whether it was real or just an imagination, you would probably understand why I did what I did."

I wiped off the tears on my cheeks with my arm. "Have you guys thought of seeking some help? Something like a marriage counselor, maybe? It might help you think differently. I mean, in a good way."

"We did it once back then. It was the continuing program for my depression treatment. Did it change how I think and see myself? No."

Silence took over. We sat there floating on the water, drowning in our thoughts. It baffled me that, behind her perfection, she had been in so much pain all this time. But I was darn sure that my dad loved my mom all these years. I might've been dumb about marriage and commitment, but I knew what love looked like. I could see it clearly in his eyes.