page #18

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11:45 p.m

Bright phoned me to say he will go home first and he couldn't wait for me. i was doing a project with my group mates in the library. i sighed and nodded my head.

"Okay." was all i could say and then he ended the call.

my mind was floating around the area. i couldn't focus because i kept thinking (or maybe it was just me) that Bright has been cold lately. he doesn't wait for me anymore. he doesn't go under the tree (that we called our spot) to eat lunch or just talk to me.

it feels like he was trying to cut and untie the knots between us. it breaks my heart just thinking of living a world without him.

"Shi- fuck!" i cut the skin of my thumb with the scissors on my hand. i was cutting some colored papers and because i was spacing out i didn't notice my fingers.

i believe we all have those moments. that we just worry about so many things and we start to overthink everything. we begin to ask and try to find the answers like why do i feel like you are trying to avoid me, Bright? or did i do something wrong to upset you?

i suck on my thumb and tasted the rusty on my blood. i remember the nights i cut on my skin and let the blood trickle on the pages of my diary. i remember the pain and feeling of the blade cutting through my wrist. it gave me shivers down my spine. i stared at my wrist and saw the traces of my past, the past that made my skin scarred.

"Let's call it a day, everyone!" the group leader exclaimed as we wrap up everything on the places. i moved so fast that i almost fall on the floor.

i want to hurry and go home. i want to see him so bad because my heart couldn't stop aching. i want to ask him the questions on my mind and i him to answer me honestly.

i don't want to fake smile anymore or fake laugh whenever we are together. i want to be my realest self with you, Bright and i hope you could be honest with me. let's be the most genuine people in this fucked up world. no secrecy. no nothing. just boys with dying hearts trying to live for each other.

when i was finally home, i knocked on our room but he wasn't answering so i opened the door and saw him on the bed sound asleep.

i heaved a long deep sigh and smiled by the view but it seems like he heard my footsteps as i walk towards him. he woke up and pulled me on the bed. i was on top of him.

he was smiling.

"I tried to avoid you because I thought I can...." he kissed me on my forehead, he tightened his grip on my body, he was hugging me.

"But I miss you, every. fucking. seconds."

i didn't need to ask him. he already gave me the answers that i want to hear from him and it made me happy, really happy.

***
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