"It was only getting worse" she said.
But you didn't see any tears. Why?
Is she lying? Is she faking it all?
Yet nobody saw her cry every single night
all the tears she wasted thinking she was no good. Knowing no one would ever love her.
You sat in silence as another cigarette lit up. Yeah. She still smokes. Guess she never got rid of her bad habits. A sarcastic smile came over her pale face.
"You know it's funny how we all see each other so happy, so when the people who smile the most tell they're broken.. you don't believe."
And the silence filled the lonely air again. You just wanted to see her smile once more.
"What if I told you that it all was a lie? Would you believe? The love I gave away so quickly, the smile that I have always showed? You wouldn't believe, would you?"
You wanted to hug her and tell her it's gonna be ok. But she heard it every single day from a person she had. Would your words even mean anything?
She smiled once more, but this time the smile was painful.
"All I ever wanted in this world was a little bit of happiness. And I was probably looking for some in you. And I wasn't wrong. I was really happy for so long. But then I started leaving my house, not coming home. It all just crumbled down. How did I even get here?"
You just wanted to hold her hand once more, but you were too afraid. She was shaking. Maybe in anger, maybe in sadness or maybe both.
"I always thought it would get better. And sometimes it would. I'd be so happy I'd forget how much in pain I was to even exist. I thought about leaving a lot. But I never had the audacity to. I was scared I would only make everyone feel even worse. I never really thought about myself, you know?.."
You never had a deep talk with her. You would just always joke around and feel the love coming out of her. But now you thought that maybe you should've asked a little more thoughtfully. Maybe you should've been better. But was it really your fault?
"I never meant to hurt you like this. But I was holding it all in too long and I'm really sorry that it all came down on you. I wasn't going to even talk to you today. I thought that maybe I'd be able to slide through this."
Was it really that hard for her? You now think to yourself that it was your fault. That maybe you weren't there when she mostly needed you.
"Are you still listening?.."
Her eyes were never this sad when she looked at you.
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to bore you like this. I just wanted to apologize."
You finally speak up.
"You're not the one who should be saying sorry. I should. I wasn't there when you needed me. When you felt like everyone gave up on you. I wasn't there to hold you when you needed it the most. I was wrong for making you feel the way you feel now. I'm sorry."
You see her hands get shaky again.
"Please don't apologize. I don't remember the worst with you. Only the best. I love you and I always will. But the only thing I know is how to destroy everything. How to ruin everyone's day. I just wanted you to know that I was wrong for lying about how I felt. Maybe if I would've told you, maybe it would've not been too late. But it is now."
She touches you with her cold hand looking at you with those dark, empty eyes. You realize you're sitting in an empty white room. What happened? She speaks once again.
"You did not kill me. It was my choice to leave. I can't stay here any longer. You have to let me go."
You sat there blankly staring at her, realizing she's not here anymore. She left. It's been months. You still can't get over what she did to herself? You'll never see her again and no one will ever care anymore.
