Ever Since New York // H.S. - ON HOLD

CHAPTER 18 - IT'S ME...

A/N - Well...I'm sorry...(also this song def screams Ev)

. . .

After Harry left that night, it took every ounce of self control I had not to punch myself in the face. I had completely let myself slip. The power Peter still has over me is incapacitating. It is as if he tied me up in chains but never gave me the key. From three thousand miles away, from behind secure walls and locked bars of prison, he still has power over me.

Deep in my bones, even if I am afraid to admit it, I know I want to be able to wholeheartedly give myself to Harry. I wish I was capable of tearing down my walls and letting him across the bridge to my heart, but I can't. There is too much to worry about. There is absolutely no way he would want to stick around after he finds out about my past, about what really makes me the way I am.

I wish I didn't have to be this way. I wish I could let my feelings flow freely like a cascading waterfall. I wish anxiety didn't reign supreme in my hierarchy of emotions. I wish I could be completely rid of Peter and the horror he ensued on me. Then maybe, just maybe, I would be able to be the person I desire to be.

I could say goodbye to Evelyn Winters, let her die out along with my history, and relish in the new life I have begun to make for myself. The only reason I didn't legally change my name is because it is the last thing that ties me to my family. To my mother, to Jonah, and the father I never knew. My real name is one of the few things about myself I genuinely cherish. I want Ginny to grow up knowing how important her name is and how important her family is. Yet even so, I remain in the shadow of Amber Hampton in hopes Peter will never find me again.

This would be so much easier without Harry in the picture. He has taken me by surprise and I am trying so hard to cope with it. He really is one of the kindest souls I have ever met, and I fear that he won't find I'll be worth it if he knows the truth. Everything I do has a purpose; to protect myself and Ginny, it is all I can do. But that doesn't change the fact that I desire a life where intimate connection can be attainable.

I was left alone in the kitchen as thoughts ran through my mind a mile a minute. There were no red lights, no stopping the whirlwind that was my thoughts. As the aching in my skull began to rise, I grew more and more agitated at the fact I couldn't control myself. If there was anything I became good at over the past three years, it was controlling my emotions. Yet, I was struggling to do just that.

Internally, I was beating the life out of myself for not engaging with Harry in the way he wanted. In the way I wanted. He wanted to kiss me. He actually wanted to kiss me. And as nerve wracking that may be for me, it is equally as exhilarating. So, I deserve to be turned black and blue for no reason other than I couldn't fulfill the most basic act of romance.

There is so much that I feel for Harry, but I don't know what all of it means. I have never felt anything of this magnitude toward a man before, so forgive me if I am having a hard time reacting to it. Peter is all I have ever known in the relationship department, and look how that turned out...

With my mind racing and body completely numb, I turned to the one thing I knew I could rely on. Music. Without Harry I don't know if I would ever have gotten back to playing piano. Ever since that night at his house, I haven't been able to stop playing. Each night, after I put Ginny to bed, I sit at the piano and play whatever my heart desires. Fortunately for me, Ginny is the heaviest sleeper I have ever known.

I didn't even know what time it was but I grabbed whatever pen and paper was lying on top of the piano and began jotting notes down as I played. Quite frankly, I had no clue what I was doing or where this was coming from, but I had such a strong urge to write something of my own. I guess that is what happens when you can't express your feelings in words...