Out Of Our Control (High School Shoey)

Ch 17- I Don't Like You, Sawyer...Do I?

~THE NEXT MORNING~

"Joey? Are you up?" I groan out as the light shinning through the green curtains brings me back to the living world.

"Sorry. Did I wake you up?" he asks. I open my eyes and find him sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands.

"No. Are you okay? You don't look well."

"I'm just tired." He says, turning around to look at me. His eyes are slightly red and have dark circles under them.

"Do you want to stay home today?"

"But we've already missed Monday. It's only Wednesday. We might as well drop out of school completely." He immediately grabs a Kleenex and violently coughs into the tissue.

"Joey, you are not okay!" I say as he pulls the Kleenex away from his mouth, revealing red speckles of blood on the formerly white tissue. He breaks down and starts bawling his eyes out.

"Shane?" he chokes out through his tears. "I'm dying."

"What?" I ask with my voice cracking. I can feel my heart drop to the pit of my stomach.

"Yes. I'm dying."

I'm dizzy. It feels like golf balls are in my mouth and I'm choking to death.

"Why? How?" I ask, moving to sit next to him on the edge of the bed. I grab his waist and pull him onto my lap and let him wrap his arms around my neck. I rest my head on his chest and dampen his shirt with my tears.

"I haven't killed anyone in over two months. I'm supposed to kill someone every month. If I don't take someone's life, my powers begin to take my own life."

"Well what can we do?"

"Nothing." He says, running his fingers through my hair. "Either I die or another innocent person dies. I don't want to be a monster anymore. I don't want to kill anyone else."

"Isn't there a way you can live without killing someone?"

"If there is, I haven't discovered it yet."

"You can't die, Jay. I need you."

He laughs a sad laugh and shakes his head with a fake smile on his face.

"Just two months ago I could barely say hi without killing someone. Now I can barely say hi without killing myself." He kisses the top of my head and climbs off my lap.

"Where are you going?" he stops in hi tracks and turns around to face me.

"My destination is irrelevant. The point of my return is what's really important." He slips his shoes on and grabs his jacket before walking out the room without even saying goodbye.

~JOEY'S POV~

~TEN MINUTES LATER~

I park my mom's car in front of Sawyer's house and walk u to the front porch. I know where he is due to the project we were assigned to do together in photography last week.

Knockity-knock-knock

"Hi, Mrs. Hartman." I greet Sawyer's mother as she opens the door to see my fake smile.

"Joey! HI! Actually yes he is. He isn't feeling well today so he stayed home from school. You don't look too good yourself. Are you sure you should be out like this?" she places the back of her hand on my forehead to feel my feverish body temperature.

"I don't feel too good but I really need t talk to Sawyer. Can I see him?"

"Sure. He's in his room." She moves out of the doorway and lets me in the house. I flash her one more forced smile before walking up the stairs and down the hall to Sawyer's room.

Knockity-knock-knock

"Come in!" he yells with a hoarse voice without knowing who's on the other side of the door. I open the door to find Sawyer's laying on his bed, watching American Horror Story while eating chicken noodle soup. He breaks his gaze from the TV to look at me. "Joey. What are you doing here?"

"We need to talk." I grab the remote off the TV stand and press the power button.

"Hey! I was watching that!"

"That can wait. This can't." I sit on the edge of his bed and clamp my hands together. "I'm just going to straight up say this. I don't like you."

"Ouch. I guess you've never heard of sugar coating."

"You've been bullying me since the first day I showed up to Arleta high. You have put me through so much additional stress along with the killing thing. Speaking of which, you don't look too good yourself. Have you killed anyone."

"No I haven't. I've been trying to control my urge. Killing people is sick and I'm not that cruel. I might seem like a monster in your eyes but I actually do have a heart. I struggle everyday to control myself and it's so hard. It's..."

"Out of our control." I finish the sentence for him.

"Exactly. It's out of our control. We are who we are even if we don't want to be. Joey, I am truly sorry for everything I've done to you it's just..." he stops for a second to choke back his tears before continuing to speaking in his hoarse, cracking voice. He's on the verge of tears. "Ever since my dad died in that car crash last year, life's been pretty hard for me and my mom. I've been trying so hard to keep a smile on my face to hide my tears but I can't wear a mask 24/7. Sometimes I get really angry and pissed off because the universe just took him away from me too soon or I get really depressed because I miss him so much. I have to stay strong for my mom because she's the only one I have left. I love her so much and I can't lose her, too. I just have so many bottle up emotions and the only way I know how to express them is through violence."

"I know the feeling, Sawyer. I've lost so many of my friends by my own hands, I know the experience of grief as much as you do, but do you know how I deal with it?"

"How?"

"With love not violence. Everyday when I get home, I tell my parents and my siblings that I love them because you never know when you might lose them. I give hugs at random times and I give them gifts even if it's not a special occasion. When I'm feeling depressed, I think about how much my family loves me and how much it would hurt them to see me like that. When I'm angry, I think about all the things I love and make me happy. The pros always outweigh the cons. If you just use love instead of hate, it will change your life in so many ways that you can't even imagine."

"What if I hate myself too much to know what love is?"

"I hate myself, too. Just because you hate yourself doesn't mean you can't love someone else."

"What if I can't find someone to love?" he asks, leaning closer to me.

"Trust me," I whisper, leaning closer to him. "You'll find someone." Are lips are just centimeters apart before I stop leaning in. I place my hand on his chest and rest my forehead on his. "We can't." I whisper. "I have Shane."

"Come on," he whispers back. I can feel his breath dance on my lips. That's how close we are. "It's just one little kiss."

"Just one little kiss?" I ask.

"Just one little kiss..." he leans in and gently presses his lips on mine. Immediately, I feel something rushing through my body.

I feel life.

I grab ahold to the collar of his shirt and pull him closer to me to deepen the kiss. I feel...better. I don't know how to describe it. I just don't feel like I'm dying anymore.

I pull away from Sawyer and look him straight in his grayish blue eyes. He's not pale anymore. His fever is gone. The dark circles under his eyes have vanished.

What the hell?

"What the hell just happened?" he asks. His voice is not hoarse anymore.

"I think we just saved each other's life." My throat is not sore anymore and my voice is not hoarse.

Shane gives me power.

Sawyer gives me life.

Well I guess I've found my alternative to killing but Shane is not going to like this at all.