Tim Drake's feelings and how he deals with it :)

Chapter 1

Tim Drake. The kid who didn't talk the most, but was known for his popularity. That cool, popular kid that stood up for the helpless ones. Robin. He was athletic, but not a jerk. So, naturally, he was one of the hardest kids to categorise. At least he used to.

That was when he didn't have to worry about demons and anti-heroes trying to kill him. When he wasn't apart of the Wayne Family. Back when Tim promised himself to become a regular civilian, rather than continuing being a hero after Robin. But nothing went as planned. And Tim hates himself for that.

On some days, he regrets all his decisions leading up to this point of his life. He wonders, what would have happened if he never became Robin? Would Jack still be alive? Would his dad be here with him? When Tim thinks like this, he blames himself. Maybe if he hadn't become Robin again, just like his father wanted, he wouldn't have regretted so many things.

Maybe once, his parents would be proud of him.

Then again, he doesn't have his hopes up high. He's Tim goddamn Drake. Everything that could go wrong will go wrong. He's living proof of that. He imagines a world without Robin, Red Robin and the Waynes. And without them, he wouldn't have all the allies and the friends.

But the tragedy he's experienced. All those lonely nights, him being alone on all those Christmases when he was a kid. Tim remembers his first holiday with the Waynes. It was magical. The house was lit up with Christmas ornaments, the tree that was surrounded with presents. It was something that Tim had never had before. The people around him were happy. And for once, he was ecstatic.

His parents never gave him the time of day. They were always so busy, and Tim hated that.

All those times where Tim would spend sleepless nights, being at the top of his class, just to make Jack and Janet proud. Just to give them the satisfaction, ease at the back of their minds knowing their son wasn't as big of a disappointment as they thought.

And when Tim finally realised that they don't care and will never, he gave up. He didn't understand why he put in so much effort into something that no one cared of. His grades dropped. He went from the top to the bottom. No, he wasn't failing anything. He just didn't put in as much effort.

But even if he wanted to put in as much effort as he used to, Robin took up too much time. He was out every night, putting his life on the line, and he loved it. It gave Tim a sense of purpose.

Maybe that was wrong of him. Tim Drake didn't deserve being Robin. Dick Grayson, Jason Todd and Damian Wayne did. They've all been in rough spots. Dick lost his parents in the most gruesome way possible. Jason lived on the streets, his mother and father- drug- addicts that lead him to his death. Damian grew up as an assassin. He had to kill anything and everything that got into his way of fulfilling his destiny.

What about Tim? He grew up in a big house with everything his 'brothers' could have imagined. He didn't have to struggle at all. His parents paid for everything. They gave him all that money could offer, leaving out one thing that money could not buy. Love.

It was something that Tim had only gotten from the Waynes- but just for a little while before they remembered that Tim didn't deserve any love. It was tiring, having to keep up the act. Tim understood that. One of Jason's nicknames for Tim is Pretender for a reason.

Pretender, Replacement, Drake- they call him whatever they want, and Tim can't do anything about it. And it frustrates him that no one gives two shits or ever give it a second thought, hey, that isn't right!

They call him that because Damian and Jason both know that the Tim everyone knows and loves is a fake. And they don't mind telling everyone else that. It was something that Tim had been trying him very best to hide, and it just makes him so mad that people like them can spot something that Tim had sacrificed himself for, with so much ease.

And every time Tim thinks that this is going to be alright, it'll be over soon, something happens. Something comes up in his life and ruins everything. Life comes over to his house and smacks Tim in the face and kills everyone he loves.

Tim doesn't want to live like this anymore. He's tired of seeing everyone gone. He hates the fact that he can, and will never be able to change it because no matter what he does, nothing goes right. Tim hates being alone. It scares him, knowing that if he didn't do something now, he might lose everyone forever. No take-backs. No resurrection.

He stares out of his window. The sky was clear enough to see the stars and the moon. It was a beautiful night- a rare sight in Gotham. All these thoughts were going through his mind all at once. It hurt. Tears threatened to spill as he once again thought about how everyone he loved dies.

Tim knows he's got depression. He just doesn't realise it's that bad. Bad enough for him to contemplate suicide. He starts shaking when the voices in his head ask, Why not?

Why not? Why doesn't he do it? Is he too much of a coward to do it? Why is he hesitating? He's been asking himself this question for years now. So why is he having second thoughts?

Tim knows that he isn't a Wayne. Legally he is, but emotionally? Not in the slightest. All Tim wants is to have a family that cares. They might deny it and tell Tim every single day that he belongs, he'll listen. Tim will listen and try to believe. But somehow, he knows it's not true.

Because the voices in his head keep reminding him that they're lying because Tim's not worth it, why do you think Jack and Janet spent as little time with him as they possibly could? Tim knows that he's not with a penny because he runs the math. Tim's just there to help the family get through with the tough times. He's temporary.

Back when he was Robin, even a small little compliment, or a pat on the back or even a simple little 'good job, Tim," was enough to make his day. And it still does, because Tim Drake thrives for attention. He lives to be noticed by people, to be worthy of their time and not be a nuisance.

That's how his parents screwed Tim up.