Barely floating

Feeling The Water (Part I)

They say everyone has their own wars to fight But how many of them are fighting with their owns selves with all their might?

Isabela Woods POV: I stand up from my bed and toss the stupid book at the furthest corner of the heap of garbage under which is a thing supposedly called a study table but who knows? as I clearly don't, Seriously though, who ever said that an organized table refers to an organized mind was so right, as neither is my table organized nor is my mind and after trying for as long as I have to get my shit together you might think I have given up by now right? Well You don't know how much I wish I was able to that, able to just leave everything then and there, just shut the door lock, just stop expecting for miracles which would never happen, just quit the fight, for once.

But now as I once again pick up the notepads which have fallen to the ground and put the jewelries back on the dressing table, I realize that the one thing I want to do the most is something that is nearly impossible for me as I just can't seem to let go, what the hell on earth is wrong with me? okay now that's a stupid question, everything is wrong about me, I don't need the mirror to tell me that I am not pretty enough, definitely not attractive, not interesting, not fun and every other single thing that I am not, I have the world to do that for me and these days I don't even look at the mirror if I become quite honest as it's not like all of a sudden I would become this perfect angel everyone loves as no matter how much I try the first thing that would come to your mind when you see me is this one big three letter word "FAT"

This is the word where my identity begins and this is exactly where it ends, nothing more and nothing less, now don't try to push the whole self love bullshit down my throat, I know it and I love myself, I seriously do but tell me one thing how long can one go loving themselves when no one else does? one year? two year? 16 goddamn years? now isn't that a stretch. But I guess there are people who have succeeded in making their walls so damn strong that even the phone doesn't catch signal on the other side and I swear to god, I envy them. Who ever created me not only did you forget to make me pretty, also you forgot to put the "STOP TRYING BUTTON" now what do you expect? I am a disaster and that's on you! Do you even hear me?

PS: This is not her actual aesthetic, I repeat this is not how she dresses or behaves (for now 😉) This is her inner aesthetic if that's a thing, basically this is what she is from within and what she wants to become from the outside as well, you get me?(I don't get myself as well so its okay)

Caleb Hester POV: "Now why the fuck is Sabrina being such a bitch to Lena? What the hell? What's Lena's fault, she just said she doesn't want to be at the hangout at Chef George's tonight, that's literally it! Do they really need to make such a huge deal out of the whole Squad thing, I don't get it, what are we a cult ? I wonder to myself quietly.

This is literally plain bullying and I hate my friends for that, okay wait a minute, did I just say friends? Let me rephrase that real quick, I hate the people who once used to be my friends and now just surround me for their personal advantage for this, okay, now it's accurate, as friends? Do such creatures still even exist? Do I even exist?

I have spent so much time resembling to this Image Of Caleb Hester which is set is everyone's mind, I don't even know who the real Caleb Hester is anymore so yes I am having an existential crisis but funny enough, it's not like I am having this crisis as people like to call it now or something, my whole life has been this huge Gigantic Crisis and I am such an amazing actor even my father doesn't realize when he forgets my Birthday for the 6th year in a row because as I have said before I should drop high school and go for Hollywood, I mean I don't even know when I am not acting , so way to go Caleb!

Now For The Love of God! Why is Jonathan coming this way? Don't talk to me! Don't talk to me! The ground please divide and hide me in! Caleb turn the opposite direction! My feet please move! "Hey Dude What's up?" Nothing but just by the way you are drop dead gorgeous, shut up Caleb! " Nothing buddy, you say" Buddy? who the hell says buddy? I try to straighten up my spine and do my acting magic but I guess I won't make it big in Hollywood if Jonathan is my audience ha?
" Hoping to see you tonight!" he says as he starts walking towards the field in his hella hot footballer outfit because I don't know what it's called where as I just nod back and throw a huge stupid grin in return.

So yeah! Being a closeted Gay Guy doesn't really help when you are already having an existential crisis.

PS: Inner Aesthetic 😅