incandescent ²

02. moonlight

arden

having a transphobic family is something i won't ever get used to. i guess they're not that bad, considering the fact that they only hate me for being a guy when i could have equally chosen to be female, but i am oddly not bothered.

how could i be bothered when i can just curve everyone and avoid the house for weeks on end? yes, my family is very stupid. they have one child — an intersex — and they loathe that child because of birth defects. how the heck is it my fault that their genes don't work the way they should?

so i guess i'm not trans, since i was born this way, and this was the only solution, but they won't ever see it that way, and i'm tired of trying to explain simple words to them.

i prefer to focus my attention on matters that actually matter, like the girl in front of me, for example. she's shaking, really violently and i'm scared. i don't know why i am — i have no reason to be, plus, i don't even know her — but the way she won't stand still and just look at me is freaking me out.

is she okay?

are you okay?

did he touch you?

how far did he go?

can i walk you home?

the last one is probably something i should steer away from. or maybe not. the problem is, she still won't look up. it's worrying me, mostly because i've done nothing wrong, and i don't want to do anything wrong, unless keeping her company on her way back to wherever she came from is a bad thing. i don't think it is.

"for some reason, you won't look at me or talk to me, and i'm not saying you ought to. you actually don't have to. i don't necessarily need any thanks for being a decent human, but, maybe you want me to walk with you so you're safe? i'm sorry, by the way."

she still doesn't speak, she only takes a small step forward. i am slightly disappointed, even though i don't expect her to strike up a conversation just because of what i said. that's too far fetched, even for me.

i take her action as an encouragement to move with her, and we start our walk, taking teensy steps like she'll fall behind if i walk like a normal human.

please say something. please don't make this awkward.

"were you in need of something before he stopped you?" i choke out. maybe that's how to get her to talk to me; by starting small, but i can't figure out whether she's stubborn and won't give me the time of day, or if she's actually shy and shocked and too frozen to make coherent sentences.

either way, i kind of understand.

she shakes her head slowly. i almost miss the action because of how action-less it is, but i catch it, and i'm grateful for peripheral vision for once.

"i was, but it doesn't matter. you don't have to walk with me, though. i-i'm not going home." she wraps her arms around herself.

i furrow my eyebrows. "i was on my way to the park but had to stop at the drugstore for some meds. want to come with?" i am not expecting her to say anything about my offer, but she does, and it's almost unheard, but it makes me smile.

"sure. i was heading there anyway."

we take a turn to the street the drugstore is on, and i see her eyes linger on the closed sign for a bit too long. i remember the last two sentences that stemmed from her lips, and i bite down on mine.

"did you want to get drugs? i could help."

she shakes her head again. "no. i'm fine, thank you."

we are plunged into silence again, and the only sounds of life are the croaking of male frogs in search of a mate. i don't really get how frogs work and i'm very grateful to be a human and not a toad. though, i'd still make a pretty good looking toad.

i glance at her and she looks so sad and distraught and worn out and in desperate need of a hug and warmth and love, and i don't know how i can tell this just by looking at her, but i just can, and it's unsettling. she's very beautiful, way more beautiful than my limited vocabulary can describe, so i'm not even going to monologue about it. she's beautiful, period. that's all anyone needs to know.

"so, do you want to watch the comet, too?" i ask in hopes that she's one of those people who would stay up to watch a star fall. it sounds sadistic when i think of it, but in reality, everything is sadistic. it all depends on how the onlookers view it.

okay, maybe not. i'm very sleepy and my thoughts are out of order.

she nods this time. "yeah, actually. i should have headed for the park instead."

"no. it's not your fault some people are bad. it's not your fault that happened. he's the one with the problems. he's the one who can't keep the d in its place, and he's the one who should be in rehab or an asylum, thinking over and over about all the lives he's ruined. not you. you should smile. put on a happy face: i know it's hard, believe me, and i'm not telling you what to do, i'm just being supportive."

"can i call you nice? you're kinda nice. i don't know you that well, but you seem like a better person than most. very talkative, too," she says.

"well, i don't know you at all because you won't talk to me. i understand that, and it's refreshing in a way, so, sorry if it seems like i'm blaming you? but you seem like a more guarded person than most."

a part of me hopes for the stereotypical movie scene where she breaks down to tell me about all her trauma in a three minute montage, but i'm too rational to believe that that's a possibility. it's a highly stupid feat. no one should expect that from anyone. the media's representation of mental health sucks, and that's the truth.

she shrugs. it's a tiny and fast movement of the shoulders that has me wondering if she's scared she'll break if she moves too much.

"i'm not guarded, just very keep to my self-ish."

i nod like anything she's said all night makes sense, which is a lie because all she's done so far is spew random nonsense that i'm oddly interested in, though she actually hasn't said anything because she's been quiet the whole time.

she's just so physically attractive, and her soul, yes, her soul is beautiful, too. i can see souls, apparently, and i already like hers, which is dangerous, because she's a tough nut to crack. i can see that. i'm intuitive, and quite frankly, it's an amazing gift.

"it's not all that great. keeping to yourself, i mean. and i'm not telling you to confide in me, i'm just saying it's easier to talk to a stranger you probably won't see again than to someone you know personally because that way, i won't be able to judge. still, either way, i don't judge. judging isn't my type of thing."

her pace slows and i stop when i hear leaves crunch under my feet.

we're here.

·—·
a/n

oh, but to have an arden. i like my characters too much.
updates will probably be random, not spontaneous, but random in the sense that i may update more than once a day, depending on how quick i get a chapter out. that's how it works with my novellas?

hope you enjoyed this!