Courage.
The word courage means differently to everyone.
Mostly , it means, to be brave.
To be bold.
Face your fears.
Growing up, this is what courage meant to me. This is all I knew about courage.
But there was one important definition , a different meaning of courage , that I didn't know, that I had to learn for myself.
No one, not my mom or Dad or brother or family or close friends would teach me.
This, I had to learn one own.
You know why?
Because, no one talks about it. Kind off like a taboo.
So I had to learn it on my own.
Courage, according to me, is when you can't find the strength to get out of bed, you still do.
You don't want to smile, but you still do.
Unable to hold on to the hope that it's going to be okay, but you still do.
You don't want to laugh, but you still do.
You're tired , and you feel like you can't take another step , but you still do.
That is Courage.
But I've come to a point in my life where my will power to have courage and be kind has hit rock bottom.
I see myself slipping off the thin thread of sanity that I've been holding on to for so long.
I don't know what I am anymore.
When I look in the mirror I can hardly recognise the person I've become over the past 4 years.
I've been losing a part of me bit by bit. Piece by piece.
That now I can't find myself anymore.
Everyday I wake up questioning my own purpose.
Even though I've heard the story from the beginning of my existence.
I know I'm young, and have the world ahead of me.
But the pain that I've been burying for years prevents me from seeing beyond what I see.
Some laugh, some scoff, some don't understand the depth of the hurt your leaving has caused me.
I guess, it's meant for only me to understand so I try to seldom talk about it.
Hope is good.
But sometimes, Hope hurts.
It's the hope that maybe you'd call, or perhaps you'd send a message only to find my inbox empty that pinches a little bit.
But it's okay.
It's just that I had become so fond of you that what you said was enough to last me a lifetime but along with it came the pain that is enough to last me a lifetime as well.
Although it has completely broken me inside that you aren't the same , we aren't the same, I'm trying to pick up the pieces and put a smile on my face for the ones around me but lately it's gotten so much more harder that sleeping an eternal sleep seems so relieving , you can't fake being happy for long you know.
But I won't give up.
I will try to put the past behind and breath deep breaths and live.
They say one day you will find somebody who will choose you every single day for the rest of your life but, sometimes, that person isn't there and you need to choose you every single day to survive.
I don't know if you will ever get to read this, but I hope you're safe and happy and that your life is filled with love and laughter.
