Healing A Broken Soul

Broken Soul

Let's start at the beginning it was was what seemed to be a normal day exactly one week ago on January the 2nd 2015..... we get up and start our day nothing out of the ordinary happens all day. So then comes night time I get ready for my shower I forgot my hair towel in the guest bathroom. So I walk through the living room the love of my life is on the couch I am in nothing but my birthday suit he doesn't even look up at me I get kinda down but oh well he's on his phone. I noticed he was on messenger I didn't think twice about it till he almost crawled out of his skin to exit the app...... now my gut has never in my life let me down and it was instantly set a blaze with a feeling I just couldn't shake. He says to me what are you doing he sounds stunned I said I am getting my hair towel. He said you should've asked me I'd have gotten it. I said I didn't think you would hear me. I come back to the bathroom during my shower I'm going over all possibilities in my head of why he reacted that way not wanting to listen to the truth of what it was. He was talking to another woman. After all we've been through after all we came through....I kept telling my self no this isn't true even though I've had this feeling several times over the last few months I chose to ignore it until now. After my shower I messaged my sister I was going to get her to do some digging around for me. He soon went to bed and I talked to one of my very best friends. She tried to come up with reasons he was so jumpy not wanting to believe he was capable of such a thing. I couldn't take it anymore for the first time ever I checked his messages and there it was the evidence of my suspension being correct. I was praying I was just overreacting and I wasn't seeing what I saw. My stomach set fire I got shaky and sick to my stomach all at the same time I had an unshakable hurt withing my soul it turned cold no matter what I could not get warm. My insides were frozen. I talked to my friend for a while and decided to go to the store. I needed to get out of the house right then at 1:30 am well as I got to my closet he woke up asking what was wrong I tried to avoid it like the plague wishing it away I kept saying I am fine. He says to me Babe you are lying what is wrong with you. So I lay into him my words hard and cracked all at the same time asking him what exactly he does when he goes to Alabama. ..who he talks to, meets up with and asks to lunch...who is this woman he try to say she's just a friend but my gut sets a blaze and fire shoots from my eyes and I almost puke knowing he's lying I storm off and go get some smokes to cool off. As I return home he meets me in the parking lot and so it begins he tells me everything. Who she is how long it's been going on they never actually got to meet but did exchange pics and text. I sit quietly and surprisingly calmly for 2 hours as he tells me why and how he really knows her. She is a past girlfriend. One he's never mentioned to me. He goes on to tell me how I have in my darkest time made him feel un wanted un needed and how he feels he is just here even though I came to him and told him I felt uncomfortable in my skin and was super depressed. He felt he couldn't come talk to me. I had ultimately pushed him to someone else unknowingly.  Almost 8 years together we've came through everything and now this. Can we survive this I have a billion questions the normal why her why didn't you talk to me why did you do this how long has it been going on did yall talk about sex what kind of pictures were exchanged and so on and with every answer my soul crushed more and more did she know about us and that answer did me in she knew  about him and I and yet was willing to cross lines to meet up with him and start hanging out. He never once blamed me just explained everything that got him to that point. He told me he told her 2 days before Christmas that it was best they just stop talking he no longer wanted to meet up with her. He had a defining moment that at first he wouldn't tell me what it was that made him change his mind about her. He finally told me after almost a week of me asking the same question. What made you stop ! His answer was honest and true I knew he wasn't lying and this is what he said. "It was your smile. I had been very hard on myself. For many months because I couldn't make u happy. I am poor and our kids had shitty living conditions and I kept trying to make the best of what we had u kept slipping further into depression. And then we got the apartment and suddenly you stated smiling. And I felt like I wasn't a failure or at least not as big of one. You will never know how I feel or how bad I hurt inside each and every day or the depression I feel because I don't know how to talk. The world I live in is very dark with very little hours of sun light. And all I ever want is a smile. It's not sex, money or things. I just want u to smile. I just want to know that I make u happy"

My world that had been turned upside down in a matter of moments. We had just gotten this new apartment things seemed so perfect. And this all had happened. I finally got the answer I needed as to what made him stop. As perfect and honest as it was it still hurt. How can someone betray you so bad when you're in such a dark place. I would have rather them had sex than to have been talking on an emotional level for almost 3 months. I'm the one you're supposed to come to I'm the one who you ask how's you're day and send pictures to not her.... now I am on the road to forgiveness. That first night I was calm went to bed hoping when I woke up it would just have went away. I woke up in a rage. I was mad all day long I barely spoke two words I cried every time he looked at me spoke to me or touched me. And we talked and I don't know why we as women do this but I needed him right then in ways I can't even explain and for the first time in a long time we made love. When something bad happens I guess as women we must lay claim to what is ours. He is mine not to be had by someone else..... and so it begins the healing process. I have been angry to the point of wanting to hurt him, unfathomable sadness, and so many more emotions. Over the last week I've had good days and bad days. Long nights and horrible dreams. I've talked to my friends when needed and I've talked to him every time it bothers me. So here's the big question how do you heal a broken soul.