incandescent ²

05. moondust

lauren

it's probably past midnight, and i'm up and ready to leave. only, arden really wants to walk with me, but i can't allow that. for one, i don't feel comfortable enough with his gender, and then there's the fact that he might not remember his way home. i can't house a teenage boy because of his hardheadedness.

"go home, arden. i promise, i'll be fine. and if i'm not, then i guess i'm not." i shrug and retie my hair. my ponytail had gotten loose.

"you said my name," he whispers with a smile. he looks very adorable like that, and i see slight indents in his cheeks. he has dimples and the kind of smile that's capable of lighting up a whole city; it's extremely contagious, and even though i'm trying to get him off my back, i find myself smiling too.

"yeah, i guess i did." i smile, trying to think of a way to get him off my back. he's nice, but i can't trust him.

he stops smiling and looks down at me. he's a few inches taller, clearly not more than six, but he can see the top of my head. it's kind of awkward, yet cute?

"are you certain you don't want me to walk with you?" his eyes are downcast and his face is drawn into a look of sincere worry. i can't help but wonder why he cares about my safety even though we just met.

could it be that the stars had told him about me?

is that even a thing?

"yes, arden." my tone is clipped and a tad bit harsh, but i can't be bothered at this point. my dad sometimes gets up at two in the morning to get a night snack, and he unfailingly does a routine check of all the rooms. i can't afford to have him not find me. i can't imagine the look of horror on his face. i'd hate myself.

he sighs and his body deflates. "okay." he raises his hands in surrender. "i'll let you go, but on one condition."

i arch a brow and lean on my right leg. it's not good for my health, but i'm too far gone to care. no matter what i do, i'm going to die, so why try to prevent it? "what's that?"

"you give me your phone number."

i smile and let out a chuckle. "as if that's ever going to happen." i shake my head and make an exaggerated turn. "sorry, arden, but i don't feel up to it."

he pouts. "ren, please. i'm even calling you ren because you like it and i want to be nice. please, let me have your number. you're super nice and very chill and relatable and normal, and i can't not remember you. i need to have proof that this happened. i don't want to forget you."

my stomach does a flip and then drops, and my heart flutters. not because of any far fetched interest, but because he looks very genuine. i just don't get why he'd want to remember a girl who could drop dead right this second.

it's not worth the stress.

not worth the heartbreak.

i have a thing. people get attached to me easily — might be because of my personality — and it always tends to hurt them in the end. what's worse is that even with that, they still don't stop liking me — as a person. i hate disappearing, but sooner than later, i'm not going to be able to help my disappearance. it'll happen eventually, and there's no stopping it.

i really need to stop thinking about the future.

"what do you want me to do, then?" i don't walk with people. especially not home. my parents changed after my diagnosis, and i can't afford to let anyone in on that. there's no way i can risk taking him home and having him forget. but even if he wasn't an amnesiac, i still wouldn't do it.

"just digits, please. and maybe we could go out for something? i don't know why this is happening, but i like your personality."

i arched a brow. "okay?"

he sighed and his shoulders slumped. "sorry i'm pushing. it doesn't matter, anyway. better spontaneous than planned, right?" he asks, casting a hopeful glance at me. he forces a small smile. "i'll see you around, ren."

i hesitate.

"remember, though: two souls don't find each other by accident. so, think about that? and be safe." he shoots me a crooked smile and i see the corners of his eyes crinkle.

in all honesty, i find him cute. like any other real person, he has flaws. i haven't seen them yet, considering the fact that the only light is the sky's, but everyone's got them. nobody's perfect and all that.

i know i'm definitely not.

and i don't want to go yet, because on a normal night, i'd sit here until the sun comes out, or at least until i feel it's safe enough to leave. my eyes widen and my head turns so fast that i'm surprised my neck doesn't snap.

"do you come here often?" i ask arden. we've started walking again, but at a much slower pace, because as much as i will ignore it, i still want to talk. he's less sympathetic than people i know, and i like that.

he shoves his hands in his pockets and shrugs. "depends on what you mean by often. i'm here every other night. kind of a surprise we've never run into each other before."

he's right. sometimes i wander around the park, but i've never seen another soul here after hours. maybe he's right about the souls finding each other thing, but what could the universe have in plan for us? i'm gonna die soon, anyway, and he won't have any memories to hold on to.

it won't work.

mother nature might as well give up. and no, i'm not a pessimist, i just like to keep things real. there's no point in having a sense of false hope. it's so clearly false, and fake, and not real.

my monologue mainly consists of repetitive words now, but who cares?

"yeah. maybe it's some weird coincidence. yeah, that's it." i wrap my arms around my neck and make a rubbing motion to warm myself up. "i'll see you tomorrow, same time, same place."

·—·
a/n

been a few days? here's this though. my exams begin in a week>> so that means the phone's going on a short break uwu.

see you guys soon!