My little insights

What if things never changed?

You want to know what bothers me? The fact that when I decided to take charge of my life I was judged for it. That I didn't break or crack, I shattered. I was lost and hated myself for the longest time. Yet when I feel okay again and I learned to love myself suddenly I was "little miss perfect." I am far from perfect believe me. And to the people who see me as such fail to see the real me or the struggles I go through.  

My friends hyped me up because they saw the whole journey. They saw me in a slump. The having a mental breakdown every week because my classes were crazy difficult. They saw the internal wall I built up years ago disappear, only to return even bigger and with chains added to it. The trust issues that were already there got crushed and suddenly I questioned everyone's intentions towards me. Thankfully I never got to the point of wondering who my real friends were because they had my back from the beginning.

From the exhaustion that comes with marching season, to taking all AP classes that I did not belong in. To the getting a max of five hours of sleep a night. To being so tired I would engulf tons of sugar packets just to stay awake because I could not afford coffee every morning. To feeling like a failure and like I was not good enough for anyone.  To literally be going further and further down the hole of depression but faking a smile because I did not want to burden my friends. It was bad.

Most people would say by bringing up the past I am just being a sad sack or a desperate person seeking attention. This is further from the truth. I use my experiences to empower myself. Yes I am over what happened, but I never want to forget because of the results. If that situation never happened neither would have a lot of other things. I wouldn't have been as confident with myself as I am now. Quin wouldn't be dating Nadia which hurts my heart because despite the fact that he is my ex he and Nadia are an adorable couple. They remind me of an old married couple and I totally ship them. Mostly because Nadia is an awesome individual, and the fact that Quin got over his demons in a way.

There is no guarantee that I would still be dating Quin or not but if I were I would still be an awkward person. A girl who was not really comfortable but would go along with most things simply because that was the closest I felt like I was gonna get to a real love. I felt romantically unlovable because before him I did not get guys' attention and when I did it was the wrong kind. The kind that gave me panic attacks and trust issues. Not to mention I had little to no self confidence. I knew what was wrong and what was right but I was a follower. I would have rather fit in then be myself all the time. I felt average and invisible.

On top of that I would't have gotten as close as I am with Kenzie and Thristain. Those two kiddos never gave up on me. They continued to make me smile then and now, where as when they were freshmen I knew them but not that well. I barely talked to Thristain and I barely knew Kenzie. Kenzie was my school child by default because she was close friends with Quin, but over time our relationship grew and I'm glad it did. As for Thristian I met her in Junior High so we were more like casual acquaintances then actual friends. Now these two are like my go to girls.

If things never happened in October I probably would still be friends with Abby and continue being my naive self. I would continue to miss the signs of her being a toxic friend to her and pretty much all of our mutual friends. I also would not realize how many other toxic people were in my life. I would have continued to be a reserved girl who only saw the good in people and always got walked over. The one who struggled to stand up for herself, but would protect others in a heartbeat.