Love you to death | Phan

We all know fairytales don't exist

I don't even know myself I wish I could be someone else - All Time Low | Future hearts

When I look at him it's like I've lost myself , in that moment when our eyes connect nothing else matters ; the people around us just become a silent picture moving through time . His hazel eyes are so deep , if you look into them , like really look I swear you could get lost in them .

None of this , however , could ever be mine . We had been best friends for as long as I could remember , he had stood by my side through my first heartbreak , coming out to those important to me , saved me when I thought nothing in this world mattered anymore and then suddenly I started to develop feelings for him . How could I ever admit it though , what was more important? Our friendship or my petty crush. I could tell him , but then what get have a happily ever after ? We all know fairytales don't exist .

That doesn't stop my imagination running away with his smile though. I want to be able to take him out on cute little dates to that restaurant just down the road , exchanging anxious smiles from across the table out hands meeting ever so often , your touch sending shivers down my spine . Kissing his nose before spinning him around in the middle of the street , rain pouring down on us and then pull you close not thinking about anything but us . Just living in the moment . Never growing tired of his hands on my lips my breath on his lips and if we fought I wouldn't be crying because he hurt me I'd be crying because I'd be scared to lose him , scared to lose the single most precious thing I have . Wish I had . When I sit alone on a Friday night I can't help but wish he was there with me watching a movie about people falling in love and grinning at each other whenever they kissed or proclaimed their love for each other. I can't help but get jealous of the people who get to spend ever single second with him . Oh what I would give to be them .

God , his eyes are gorgeous . There are times when I want nothing more than to just look at him tracing his perfect form with my fingers admiring ever single aspect of his perfect body . I want to lay next to him at 4 am talking about our future . Together . Pushing my head into his chest feeling him vibrate as he talks .
The thing I want most though . More than anything else ? You. All I want is you . I wish you could see that .

The most confusing question though ? Does he like me ? Trying to understand whether a 'straight' person shares your feelings is probably one of the most difficult things I've had to do . Still now I couldn't tell you what his emotions towards me are . He flirts with me and plays around with me but then at the same time he's my best friend so the whole thing is most likely to just be in a friendly way.

The hardest part of all of this was being there while he dated other people trying not to get jealous, warning him he was going to get his heart broken and then being left to pick up the pieces when he did . Knowing that if that had been me I would have never let him go . Watching as even though he had broken up with them he still spoke to them constantly , showing me messages between the two of them . Just wishing that maybe just once he would realise how I felt . Hoping he would get the hint . Praying maybe he would understanding what I had been trying to tell him this whole time . I'm in love with you Dan Howell

This story is based around something I am going through personally at the minute and is helping me express how I feel in a less indirect way . I hope you enjoy !
Love Leah 🐯