I still remember that night. It's been almost nine years and even though some great portion of that night was a heartrending abandonment, it's also filled with vague thoughts.
It was the night my father decided he couldn't handle the responsibility of being a family man anymore, and left us. The thin layered walls made it easy to hear his yelling. It was around midnight. "Well, I can't keep doing this anymore... I can't pretend I'm happy when I'm not, Meg." he seemed frustrated. "But what about Daniel? Please think about him. What.. What am I suppose to say when he wakes up?" She was crying at this point and I was slowly getting out of bed when I heard the front door slam shut. Thoughtlessly I moved tours my window and watched as he tossed his packed suitcases in his car. He slammed his drivers car door and after a moment looked up to me, as though knowing I would be standing there. And as a single tear ran down my cheek he flashed me a solemn smile and winked before diving off.
The moon seemed extremely larger than usual, shining brighter then all the other stars around. It reminded me of all the other nights they fought. And how something told me this was different. Somehow I know, he wasn't coming back this time.
Standing weak watching out the window, all these thoughts fogging my mind, I couldn't bear it. I slipped my shows on, grabbed my coat and creaked my door open. A short glimmer of light peeked from the kitchen but my mum wasn't in sight. With my greatest exhilaration I dashed out to the stars, almost tripping my way down. And for a moment I waited before making it out to the full view of the sky.
Once the overwhelming blow of the summers breeze blew thought me, I swiftly ran down the street. Not remembering the exact directions I've made, I only recognized the structures I saw. I saw my old school, with their pathetic play structure over the field in the dark. I saw the church I was forced to attend every sunday, when we use to be a family. The school I now go to but for some reasons looked even bigger then. Before finally making it to the house I'm not so sure I've been to since.
The lights were off, like all the other homes throughout the neighborhood. Nervously I made my way tours the left side of the home, to the first window. With just a peek inside I couldn't see much, only the tiniest spark of light plugged into the wall beside the bed, ahead of the window. Wrapped in blankets was a small dark figure, twirling once under the covers uncomfortably. I waited a while, as my sight adjusted to the darkness, and watched him sleep. He look peaceful, though clearly wasn't by the way he moved so much. But I just didn't want to disturb him.
After what felt like hours I knock softly on the glass. I couldn't handle being outside alone any longer. It only took one knock before he jumped straight up on his bed. He looked right at me, but from the expression on his face he clearly didn't recognize me. I laughed a little, to myself, and placed the palm of my hand directly on the cold glass followed by the rest of my fingers. After a moment he narrowed his face, grabbed his glasses from his desk top and slowly got out of bed. The closer he got, the more his face loosened to a confused smile. "Dan?" He whispered behind the glass, before carefully opening it.
I don't remember much specifics after that. Just that he let me in through his window and we talked about what'd happen with my parents. We sat on the carpet of his room and the only light that still shun was his rocket shaped nightlight. I was staring to get tiered and he told me to lay on the bed with him. It was strictly platonic an all, I mean we where kids. So I did and there was this moment, where he tock a hold of my right hand. It wasn't weird to me, his soft warm grip felt safe. Then he whispered something under his breathe that I couldn't quite make out, but I think it sounded like he said that he liked me. And in that very second, I almost wanted to say it back, I felt it too. But I stayed silent and we laid there, under his covers, still holding hand, till we fell asleep.
The next morning my mother clearly knew where I was and came barging in through the from doors. She wasn't what woke us up though, it was the loud knock on the door of his room. "Phil?.. Phil, can I come in?" A males voice called out asking, it was his dad. The door wasn't lock, but Phil didn't answer so he walked in.
As expected thing when down hill from there on. My mother was very upset when she brought me back home, and told me I was never to see that boy again. Which, at that moment destroyed me, but days after it didn't matter.
I was just filled with confusion and always carrying around this sense of abandonment. As if everything I loved will soon leave me at any moment. My mother wasn't the same either, so it was as if she'd left too. I was alone.
I never knew why my dad was so disappointed with his life. Why his most logical solution for his happiness was to leave. To forget all about me and my mother and start a new family, a new life with someone else far away. My mother didn't make things any easer. She just simply said he was a "selfish, miserable, bastard that never did anything good for us" whenever he came up in a conversation.
So that's how I've been living my life so far. As a selfish, miserable, bastard myself. And it's been working for me, that was until my mother told me the news I've never though I'll ever hear coming out of her mouth.
