A series of rambles

Sofia, family swimming trip

                                                                                                                                                             4/22/2016

You know, they say blood is thicker than water. And yet, you can still drown in both. 

Drowning. That's what I've been thinking about. There's this paranoia that's hanging over me, its like, I'm being slowly but surely; suffocated by the chains of my family. How can you start something entirely new with so little time? I wish I could. A new family- aha, imagine that. 

Usually I don't write in this journal. I keep things quiet, low key. What's the point of expressing yourself when there's no one to hear? So, hi journal. I'm back. I know that I am being possibly a tad bit.. dramatic (???) over this. Mom left us, well me, for her girlfriend. It's like I never even existed. You have one kid, one job. One responsibility. She ditched it for some blonde smoker with a red Buick. Seriously? I still can't wrap my head around it. Whelp. 17 years old age and here we are. Not necessarily expected but I'm not surprised. 

Sofia Joelie. Our family has a strange way of spelling names. I mean, how do you make a simple name so odd? Joelie? Joe..lie. Joe lie? What did Joe lie about. This paragraph is a mess. 

I'm sinking. Oh god, do I trash around? Will that push me down even farther beyond return? I just wanted to speak to you. Why can't we have a civil conversation, mom?  Whatever.

                                                                                                                                                              4/30/2016

Good morning, Journal. I've been thinking. Don't worry, I didn't forget about you. I mean...I did. But not for long. You know how I said something around the lines of a civil conversation? I don't know, I'm too tired to flip the page back. Anyways, I tried to have another. Another civil conversation, that is. With mom. Again. After a few choice words it turned into another argument. "You don't have to live with us," she said. "I did everything for you." she tried to excuse her actions while hiding behind a blissful set of lies she harbors in her arsenal of a manipulative mind. 

I choked on water yesterday. It went down the wrong pipe. It hurt. I mean, I guess it's supposed to. A water bottle. The water is protected inside the bottle. That plastic coating preventing the liquid from harms way- as much as a thin layer of plastic can. I don't think I have that layer. I think I'm just water. Not an ocean- not a lake. I feel like a puddle on the side of a bus stop after a rainy day. The passengers waiting for the bus keep stepping on me. Mom- on that bus. Leaving, abandoning me. I'll be left here alone. This sucks. Where am I going with this? 

Good afternoon, Journal. I'll speak to you again. I hope. 

After all, at this point all I can do is sink or swim.