March 31st.
The day you took one to many pills.
The day your parents would find your suicide note, the one you'd written years worth of drafts for.
March 31st.
The day you committed suicide.
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One year. They had given you the option to leave to wherever you would go or stay for one year as a sort of ghost to see what happened to your family and friends.
You decided to take it. As impatient as you were to get away from the place you'd been wanting to escape for years, you couldn't resist. You still wanted to know what would happen to everyone you knew. And so you would stay for one year.
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That Morning you saw your mom come to wake you up as she always did. You saw her start to shake you when you wouldn't wake up. Your mom started crying and you saw her take the note from your cold hand. She started to read it and collapsed next to the bed, sobbing. Your sisters run in. Your youngest sister doesn't know what happened but your oldest sister takes the note from your mom and she knows.
That Day you watch in first period as the announcement about your suicide is made. Many students start to cry. Your two best friends are in that class too. One starts sobbing and runs into the hallway. The other doesn't move, but pales as tears run down her face.
That Night your best friend, the one who ran into the hallway crying, opened up her wrists again for the first time in almost a year. You saw her take out the razors from where they had laid undisturbed in her desk drawers. Little had you known you had been the only thing that had prevented her from relapsing. But now you were gone and she had no way to cope.
The Next Day the lunch lady who had served you lunch for over three years quit her job. She had noticed how you had gradually stopped buying lunch until only getting water every day but hadn't said anything. Now she was overcome with guilt, blaming herself for not helping you.
One Week Later your many friends attending the first group therapy session. You saw that many of them would not come back for another. Nothing would help them recover from your loss. But the ones that did spent the time crying and sharing stories about you. You were amazed by the little things people remembered about you, the memories you had forgotten but had mattered to them, and the little quirks you hated but everyone loved enough to mention.
One Month Later your youngest sister fails her classes and the end of year tests. She spent most nights crying in her room. You had been her role model, the one she looked up to. You were gone and she didn't know what to do. What's worse than failing was she didn't care. She just went to her room and cries again but over you, not thinking once of her plummeting grades.
Two Months Later your ex boyfriend gets drunk at a party for the first time. He had never stopped loving you. He remembered all the harsh things he had said out of jealousy. That's why agreed to go to the party and accepted his first drink which he never would have done of not for the grief of losing you. He drove home that night. But he wouldn't make it home. You saw as the car he was too drunk to notice pulled out infront of him. You saw the paramedics pull up. But it was too late and you knew it.
Six Months Later and your best friend, the not the one who started cutting again, skipped another meal. She hadn't gone out with friends since your death. she wasn't as social, as outgoing, she wasn't the same. She didn't smile anymore, didn't laugh. She spent most nights in her room- not crying, but staring blankly at the wall. She stopped caring, not even about herself. She didn't care enough to take care of herself- so she didn't eat much anymore. She'd lost a lot of weight, but no one noticed due to how reclusive she was. You saw her shake as she tried to stand up, weak from not eating, and you saw her fall as she passes out. She would lay there until morning when her parents would take her to the hospital in a panic. You waited by her side in the hospital and watched until the doctors explained to her parents how she had passed out from not eating or caring for herself. You finally heard him say she would survive, but she would die of she didn't start eating.
Seven Months Later you were in the hospital again, but this time in the morgue. Your other best friend cut too deep. Maybe it was an accident but you saw from the blood stained suicide not that she had meant to die. You never thought this would happen. Never thought your death would have hurt her. You never knew you had been what had stopped her from cutting! If you had known...
Eight Months Later and your oldest sister drops out of her first year in college. She was guilt ridden over all the mean things she had said to you but hadn't meant. She couldn't be at college anymore, not with all the guilt and pain over you surrounding her.
Nine Months Later and you're parents saw eachother for the first time in months after there divorce shortly after your death. Maybe, you think, this could be them getting back together! Maybe it could be, if your dad wasn't sitting next to your moms hospital bed. She had tried to commit suicide yesterday, on your birthday. You didn't know it then but less than a month layer your mom would attempt suicide again.
Eleven Months Later your little sister is looking through your room which your mom never cleaned out. She finds a little box in your drawer with a stash of razors in it. That would be the first, but not the last, day your sister- once so innocent- would take razor to her skin. Like you once did. You had never guessed you would still be a role model to your youngest sister- even in death.
Twelve Months, One Year Later and your old school held a memorial for you, but in it was also honored your best friend. Everyone was crying. You saw cuts beneath the shirt sleeve of some of your friends wrists. You even saw the guy who used to bully you crying- he regretted ever saying anything mean to you and hates himself for it. This was not what you thought it would be.
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You're one year is up and your crying now too, along with everyone at your memorial. You never thought by leaving you would leave everyone in tatters. You never thought you would affect your family and friends like that. You thought they didn't really care and would get over you in a month. The people who had given you you're year came back to you.
"If you cold go back and not commit suicide, would you?" They ask.
"Yes! I'm sorry!" You choke out between sobs. You destroyed your family. Your friends.
And suddenly you were back in your room, a year earlier, with the pills in your hand and a suicide not on your bed.
Without hesitating you ripped up the note and instead of swallowing the pills you threw them away and flushed the razors in that little box. You still struggled but never again did you self harm. Every time you wanted to die you went up and hugged your best friends or your mom or your sisters.
Suicide was not as great as you thought.
