Unpublished, 2/19/2020

Dear, You

I remember the first time I held your hand and I instantly felt that tingling sensation that I only thought was an exaggeration of lovers. I remember constantly looking at our entwined hands because that tingling feeling isn't going away, it's so weird and fulfilling to finally hold your hand after long days of imagining what would it feel.

Have you seen yourself while talking about the things you love? I'm not sure if I mentioned it enough times before but you look so much beautiful when you have that spark of love in your eyes and the language of happiness you speak. It's always going to be my most favorite view to stare at whenever we're together. No matter how swamped my thoughts are, it'll always go still whenever I look at you while you speak.

Did I mention how much I love touching your hair? It makes me feel so close to you physically whenever it's within the reach of my fingertips. I have a certain fascination on touching your hair lately or staring at your back whenever you're not looking. I just need that constant reminder that you're around.

I feel excited everytime a notification pops about you. Have you experienced that feeling of being too giddy? I wish I can tell you exactly how it feels because, damn, I am too happy everytime it pops on my phone screen. Have I told you how much you're making me happy whenever a post reminded you of me and you had to tag me?

There were just random days when I extra miss you the most and I badly wanted to see you right beside me but only your messages and pictures will somehow make me miss you less. Have I told you I love playing your voice clips on repeat?

Confidence looks beautiful on you. You look so attractive when you feel confident about yourself, or that look you have when you talk about the things you want, or that eye roll you give when something irritates you.

I miss bumping to you randomly in the office, I miss that adrenaline rush I feel whenever I thought of seeing you. Reporting to work has never been so exciting until you came, you gave me that weird way of becoming excited to go to work thinking that I'll maybe see you or not, but I love you.

I can now imagine your voice from afar telling me to drink water, eat on time, travel safely, wear mask, rest and welcoming me home everyday. I guess it'll be much appreciated you're really here telling me that.

I'll forever wonder how kind your heart is for always choosing to forgive and understand people, for always choosing to be the better one, and for always choosing to not keep records of wrong. I'll forever wonder how, but I love you.

There maybe a million of times I'll fail as a girlfriend, may break your heart at some point, disappoint you every now and then, may become unreasonable on some moody days, make you mad one way or another, or may make you cry on even the tiniest details-I can't promise you a relationship that will always be a happy ending, but I promise you to always learn from my mistakes and do better on my shortcomings until I got it all handled.

And I'll never grow tired telling you I love you, if I have to put that at the end of my every messages I sent then I will. It has been 31 days, Sunshine—it isn't always going to be all flowers, chocolates, dates and sweet messages but may it be storms and hurricanes, know that I'll always choose you. Always you. I love you, hun. I hope you know.

And when I thought all the butterflies and sunshine will never end, I woke up to a sunny morning with birds chirping and a strange hole in my chest. Wow. I didn't realize this day will come sooner. I opened my eyes from a dream I don't even remember but for sure I felt as if I needed to get away from you. The idea is even strange at first but as I thought of it longer, I realized I wanted to do it a long, long time ago.

What the hell is going on? I was so in loved. Was so, so hooked with what I thought was a happy ever after story of us until one day I just lost all the tingling sensation everytime I see you. I no longer feel the spark and joy of seeing you smile, hearing your voice, touching your hair or holding your hands. You became a distant memory I don't ever want to remember anymore.

Until the gloomy days started to make its presence creep under my skin. Staring at you started to make me feel off, our daily conversation became a nuisance to me, notifications from you in any of my social media accounts weren't making my heart flutter anymore. I stare at tons of picture of us together but it just wasn't the same anymore. Gone were the days that I feel I'm right where I belong next to you. You were nothing but a girl who can give her days and nights to the one she loves but it was no longer me. I was no longer the girl you fell in love with. Gone.

It's just—gone. I don't even know where it went but I just want everything to stop. I just want you gone for good.