Glory & Gore

21st chapter:bluish-black sky

It gets harder to breathe sometimes.like the problems in my head also weights in my lungs.I hyperventilate and my lungs catch some air.but not enough.I guess that's how I feel about happiness.I try to be happy and I can but not enough.happiness exhales out of my lungs like a cigarette's smoke.leaving me breathless.so I dig holes on my skin so the air has somewhere to get in.but the same place is where he gets out.It's a cycle.and I'm not pretty sure how to get out of it.have you ever felt like you're not yourself? I guess you have.and I kind of feel like I'm not 'me' without the sadness and the bluish black that surrounded me.not black nor grey.I always feel bluish black when I'm sad.why? well, because it reminds me of the sky,and I remember being little and mrs.mum calling me back home when the sky turned bluish black.when I had to go back inside from my happy time and deal with the unfortunate reality.the one I tried to scape from.relief came at nigh and fear would come in the morning.I blame it on the nightfall.and I blame my misery on the nightfall's bluish sky.but I'm trying to be ok again with it,because it brings me comfort to watch the sky and the moon and feel small.feel like these problems inside of me are tiny and they can and will go away.feel like I'm not alone,someone somewhere somehow is looking at the moon too.and he or she feels just like I do.and they are also recognising they are tiny inside and that what troubles them will go away.and they will be ok just like I'm going to too.and they are too going to forgive their own version of a bluish-black sky.and everything's going to be ok.I just hope that time comes soon.because I'm tired of not being ok and gasping for polluted air.It just gets harder to breathe sometimes.