Mesmerized By You ✓

The literal pain of watching as you fall for your best friend, unexpectedly, head over heels. I don't understand how or when, why or where, there are questions spiralling with me and no answer to my questions. It frustrates me to some point when you would throw your arms around me and call me your buddy, best friend. I would feel a pang in my chest, knowing that I was never going to be the one you love and adore.

What breaks me more is the fact that you don't notice the way I look at you, the same way you would look at her. Shoving my pain deep within, I plaster a smile, a fake one to make you believe that I am not attracted to you like I have to fall for you. Watching you stand by, playing football, I sit in the bleachers, your head turning towards me every now and then.

Do I mean something to you? Is there anything I would do to make you feel the same way that I do? Have you ever taken notice of how I gaze at you? Probably no, if you did, I wouldn't be here, you would have not given a second glance at me. It twists my heart in a way that I can't imagine, my stomach flips when for the fifth time you look at my direction.

My head snaps towards the person who is yelling your name at the top of her lungs, cheering for you even though it's just your regular practice. The golden locks are splattered over her face, an angelic smile on her face and I know that she is the one that has been stealing your glances. Not some distance away from here, I watch as your eyes move from mine to her. Taking notice of how a smile curls up to your lips and it's different from the smile you throw at me.

"Hey Amy" You shout back at her, arms above your head, your eyes shine in surreal happiness. I don't stand a chance, I know, and it breaks my heart furthermore. She is walking towards you as she giggles and then on the field, I watch as you kiss her, engulfing her in your embrace. Tearing away my eyes from the sight that makes my bile rise to my throat, I control my urge to spill any tears. Not seconds after, I watch as you two disappear from my view, hand in hand, almost sprinting. You don't look back at me to make sure that if I am here or not.

I still remember the way you taught me how to piano, when a year ago, I found out that there was something between us. Our fingers would brush against each other and jolt of electricity passing down my spine, it was unavoidable to not feel this way, every time you were close to me, I would imagine how will it feel to be loved by you, will you take me on dates every now and then like you took Mae out, will you snuggle into me as you did with Karissa, will you give me tender kisses as you did with Alexa, will you kiss me as you did with Amy. Maybe, I will never find out about it because you will never look at me that way.

✿

You fill me in the details about what went down between you and Amy after what I witnessed in the field, no, I did not ask you about it, you were excited to share those pieces of information with me. Almost jumping up and down in the air. I try my best to not break down in front of you by giving an encouraging nod at you every now and then to let you keep going. And I find myself bruised, internally every time you dreamily explain the situation, your lips are all I could focus on.

You don't stop for the next hour, totally smitten by her. We sat on our beds in complete silence, some chaotic thoughts running through my head and I refused to let them affect me. You scoot closer to me and I am afraid that you will hear my heartbeat, which is not steady when you are around.

I gulp down, my hands are sweating at this point. "What's the matter?" You ask me, and I am on the verge of breaking down. I part my lips to speak but I can't, words die in my throat. There are waves of confusion clouding your mind, your eyes don't leave mine.

"Nothing" After a bit of hesitation in my tone, I answer him but you don't buy my words, you don't believe me for a second when I say that word, you know me too well and you can see through my lies. If you knew me well, why couldn't you see how much I liked you? You didn't, did you?

"Lying is a sin," You say, my eyes tear away. I can't keep looking at you this way without letting you know that I like you way too much. And then I hear the bed shift, finding you even more closely than before, this is getting out of hand and I am well aware of it.

"Jesus, you are scaring me. Tell me, what is it?" I shook my head, what would I say to you? The truth would break us both apart, I am better living with you this way, at least I am able to experience what it feels like to have your arms around me. And I want it all, I ask for more, every time. A part of me is selfish, it wants all of you and I know you can never be mine, ever.

You take hold of my shoulders, making me turn towards you, I am at a loss of words, your face is inches away and I want to taste you, so badly, it's a forbidden fruit that I am never going to get to know the taste of, you are that. Your eyes are what I want to drown into, they are calm and serene, like an ocean. You inch closer, you are confused, you don't understand what is possessing you but I know, there's a tiny little part in you that is pushing you towards me.

"Please tell me what's wrong. I can't take your silence anymore" Your voice is almost trembling, I catch as your eyes immediately move down to my lips and to my eyes. Do you feel the pull too? I want to ask but I keep quiet, not wanting to ruin the moment of having you so close to me that I can smell your cologne. It doesn't matter to me if you were Amy, all I ever wanted was you, every inch of my body aches to be yours.

Without any warning, you place your lips onto mine. My eyes are wide in surprise, for some seconds, you don't move nor do I, too shook to understand what was happening. You don't bulge to move your lips away from mine, I shudder under your hold on my shoulders. And then, our lips finally moved against each other, my eyes closed, letting every single bit of me hum in the pleasure of having your lips on mine. Your hold tightens and they move towards my hair, running fingers up and down.

We part away, eyes fixed on each other, your blush is speeding its way towards your cheeks. You look adorable and I am mesmerized, wanting to capture this image of yours permanently in my head. I lean in closer and you don't hold me back, why did you kiss me? Was there anything you felt for me while you kissed me? And I don't want to rush things or ask questions that would scare you, knowing you were new to this, I have always seen you with girls, you don't go around kissing guys and this makes me look at you with curious eyes.

You suck a breath in, feeling my warm breaths caressing your skin, a strand of your hair falling in front of your eyes and I reach for it, flipping it away from her, you lean into my touch and I smile at that. "Do you regret it? Kissing me?" There's complete silence in the atmosphere when I ask, you don't move away as I expect you to. You lick your bottom lip, running your fingers through your hair. You seem to be confused and I am pleased to find you not running away after you just kissed me.

"No," You say after a whole two minutes. This paves a smile to my face, you catch me smiling and you punch my shoulder lightly, a chuckle escaping your lips. You can light up this entire room with just a single smile of yours. I don't take seconds before again placing my lips onto yours. You respond to it, we gently kiss each other, I am too afraid to let you go and find that this all was just a mere dream of mine.

We stop kissing after what felt like an eternity. Now your head resting against my shoulder, I urge myself to not make you uncomfortable by running my fingers along the strands of your hair, I want you to figure all this out but not in a rush, I want to take it slow, embrace every step we take and every opportunity we get to spend together and make it feel right.

"Do you want to try this? I know this is not something regular for you" I ask slowly, you detach yourself off my shoulder and I am already missing your warmth. You don't take more time before nodding your head at me. I smile, from ear to ear. And you place a small hand at my chest and I am thrown aback by your boldness. It felt surreal, you and me, together, it was happening, and it was like a dream to me.

"Tell me, since what time have you liked me?" Your curious little self asks me, and I don't hesitate before opening my mouth to answer you, today there was nothing or nobody holding me back, I am yours, and hopefully, you will be mine sooner. We spend the night talking to each other, spilling our secrets out and before we sleep, you kiss me tenderly.

✿

I have never, ever, written a Gay Fiction before this one. I just hope that this turned out good. If it didn't, I am so so sorry. I was really inspired to write after repeatedly hearing to Heather by Conan Gray, which made we want to write a one shot about it. And well, I did, but not having a clue about what I really wrote.

Thankyou for reading. xxx