Stray Kids 9th Member ~ Shine Pt.1

Explaining "Heartbeat" ~ Beaver Live

Stays: EXPLAIN HEARTBEAT!!!

Sammy: What is there to explain? I thought I did that at the press conference?

Stays: JUST TELL US!

Sammy: What is there to say? Seriously. *chuckles*

Stays: Admit! You were gay for Jonghyun.

Sammy: Well of course who isn't but you realize I'm still gay. It's not a choice.

Stays: True, true. Continue.

Sammy: I guess I should explain from the beginning. I'll say this though it was never his fault. None of this was his fault or will ever be his fault. *smiles softly* The heart works in funny ways.

*Sammy brings up the song on his computer and starts to play it on repeat in the background*

Sammy: I was thirteen or twelve I can't remember but I met him for the first time in March of 2010. I remember just adoring him. SHINee or no SHINee that man is an icon.

Stays: Yep!

Sammy: I feel as if it took us a bit to get to know each other. I was kind of wary of him. He was this big star and I was a trainee. I was nervous. Like really nervous. My guts would twist uncomfortably when I met or was around him. I idolized him and he made me happy. He could be talking to someone and I'd just stare from the side lines adoring his features.

Stays: This sounds like a beginning to a high school love story kdrama.

Sammy: *chuckles* Trust me, it felt like it. I sort of danced around him basically avoiding outright confrontation until I heard him asking about my favorite type of candy. He wanted to get me something to help me relax and get used to Korea. I think that was the moment I realized, "Whatever happens next I'm going to stand by this man!" In 2012 I became close with Jonghyun. We bonded over practically everything. At that time I met the infamous fiancé. So I kind of had my mind off of Jonghyun. Then in 2014 I moved to Korea. We all know I debuted as an actor. I was so happy! I think I ignored my boyfriend while I hung out with Jonghyun and SHINee and Chris. Like I feel like such a bad person now for ignoring him but I could have made it up... if it weren't for him dying later that year.

Stays: Not only does Jonghyun live rent free in your head but so does the fiancé.

Sammy: *chuckles* Yeah.

Stays: You mentioned that after you came back from LA you felt worse afterwards.

Sammy: We were going to married. *shows the ring with a sad smile* I would have gladly left Korea to be with him.

Stays: You have a big heart Sammy.

Sammy: I always have had a big heart. I've gave and gave to others but never got anything in returned until Jonghyun, Chris, Jackson, and the fiancé. Anyways. I spent a long time just healing. I talked endless hours with Jonghyun and fell asleep on call listening to him sing. The feelings I had for him when I was younger resurfaced. Also probably because I was hurt and someone was taking care of me.

Stays: So you admit you love Jonghyun?

Sammy: Did I ever deny it?

Stays: Well no but we never asked.

Sammy: So?

Stays: Smartass...

Sammy: *chuckles* I ended up supporting Jonghyun in everything he did. I continued with modeling and acting. 2016 is when things get spicy cause you all remember Moon right?

Stays: Spicy? Moon? How does that go together?

Sammy: Be patient. I had been struggling to hide my attraction every single day. Not only from others but myself. I just wanted to ignore it because if you didn't realize best friend and all. So I wrote a song about him. Heartbeat. I even said, as the moon lights your beauty I realize you gave me a heartbeat. Like in that second that's all my brain could come up with. I guess I short-circuited that moment. *chuckles* I remember him turning to me and smiling. Like from ear to ear smiling. It was so shocking to me that I was absolutely dumbfounded. Guess my gay self couldn't compute the amount of gorgeous being in front of me.

Stays: If that isn't a mood I dunno what is.

*Sammy's Flashback*

The moon lights the two boys on the balcony on the Seoul night. Sammy stares at Jonghyun smiling from the corner of his eye. His heart beats rapidly in his chest. "As the moon lights your beauty I realize you gave me a heartbeat." He says out loud. He panics for a second before Jonghyun turns to the panicked teenager and smiles brightly. "You gave me a reason to live." He mutters. Sammy gulps and looks down at his feet. "I don't know when I started feeling this way Hyung."

"It's ok Seungjae. Love is a complex and beautiful thing. We can't stop it, we can suppress it but that only hurts us." Sammy looks up at Jonghyun and gets the urge to kiss the man in front of him. "You have pretty lips." Jonghyun grins. Sammy sucks in a breath and just stares. He's in awe that this beautiful man captured his entire heart when two years ago Matthew had his heart. So as his brain stutters he shuffled closer and pecks Jonghyun's cheek. A light rosiness decorates Jonghyun's cheeks and his ears. Sammy smiles. "I guess love makes us act impulsively." Jonghyun can only roll his eyes a smile stuck to his face. Sammy couldn't be happier.

*End of Sammy's Flashback*

Sammy's red. Stays are asking questions rapid fire.

Stays: What did you remember? Is there something we should know? Did Jonghyun say something to you? What happened?

Sammy: It's confidential. But I'll say that was one of the first times I was truly happy.

Stays: 😤😤 Tell us

Sammy: As I said in Secrets, fans don't need to know everything. *mischievous smile*

~~~

I know this may upset some people and make others uncomfortable but I wanted to write this. I wanted to express how Sammy felt about Jonghyun. I also didn't specifically say that Jonghyun loved Sammy back but it definitely wasn't one sided. Sammy truly loved Jonghyun and it broke him when Jonghyun died. It also may seem kinda fast with Sammy and Chan but honestly he's been suppressing his feelings for Chris for as long as he can remember. Even before dating Matthew which is known as the Fiancé in the fandom. I also think Chris was always going to be his end game relationship. Like Matthew was amazing and all but there was apart of Sammy that would always miss Korea if they married and he left. Jonghyun and his romance was more subtle and masked behind Sammy's suppression of emotions. But Chris and Sammy has been more pure and shown to fans through little glances and comforting nods or smiles.

Even Sammy chooses Chris out of all the other members for a vacation vlog. Sammy was the first to meet Chris' family and Chris met Sammy's family shortly after Jonghyun met Sammy's family. So just wanted to point that out that I do think Sammy and Chris were end game in my head.