we are flowers {cake au}

chapter 16; gone (january 6)

time won't fly
it's like i'm paralyzed by it
i'd like to be my old self again
but i'm still trying to find it
all too well; taylor swift

★ calum ★
"mali he's not going to have me back! i'm over that idea! why should he have me back?"

"calum, i'm just telling you not to lose your motivation on it! i can tell, cal, he stupidly misses you and your poor behaviour, for whatever reason! if you don't fucking try, he'll never have you back," mali says.

"he told me not to talk to him! i'm fucking respecting him. he's such a bitch, God, if he wants me to apologise, he should fucking let me!" calum yells. "...i didn't mean that. he's not a bitch. well, i mean, he's kind of acting like one..."

mali gives him an incredulous look. "and you kind of acted like the biggest asshole ever when you cheated on him with his own best friend!"

"fuck, i know."

"text him," mali orders.

calum shakes his head. "he specifically told me not to."

"you're being a real nice gentleman by respecting his wishes, calum," mali tells him, "but right now, ignore what he said. just apologise. it doesn't matter if he's mad or if he bitches at you, or if he completely ignores you. it'll show him that you really care."

"fine," he huffs. he pulls out his phone and types up a message and reads it out loud to his sister. "luke, i'm sorry that i hurt you. i know i've said sorry before and you've never really believed me, or you just didn't care, and i know you don't want to hear from me, but i am so so sorry. i fucked up. actually, fucked up is an understatement. i've done the worst thing i ever could possibly do. i'm not asking you to take me back, i'm not even really asking you to forgive me. i'm asking you to please not beat yourself up about it. please. also if you would forgive me, i would be eternally grateful."

"that's good, cal. really nice," mali says, soft and genuine.

"is it inappropriate to add an 'i love you,' in there?" calum asks.

"i think that would be nice. don't add a period after it, though. it would sound really serious and scare him off, like you're forcing him to accept, you know?"

"yeah. thanks, mali."

"of course. are you okay, though? like, really okay?" she asks.

"not really. it's hard. i'm so mad at myself. you know, i promised him that i'd never leave, and then i broke his heart. i told myself that i didn't ever leave, but i still hate myself so much, mali," calum says like a tear who's been sewn back together but then ripped again.

"you didn't leave, buddy. i know how much you love him."

"i wasn't a good boyfriend. i wasn't. not just because i cheated, either. before that, too. i didn't pay attention to little things. i payed attention if it was some thing he'd already told me, but i didn't care about him as much as i should have. i didn't love him as much as he loved me, but i pretended that i did."

he sucked. he liked the idea of having luke. he knew how much luke loved him, but he was scared. because what if he did flake out? he did flake out. calum worried too much about what could go wrong and not enough about what was going right. he should have told luke how much he loved him. he should've let himself love him.

"i want to stay here until it stops hurting," calum groans.

mali gives him a small smile. "you know you're welcome at my apartment if you get tired of mom and dad. or more likely, they get tired of you."