Diaries of the Forgotten

January 12, 2015

Dear Diary,
Nowadays I'm often stumped with the question "Why?". Three words that can tear a person to shreds. I just itch to know the answer. That's the thing about the word "why", you will never know the answer. I like to think I know the reason everyone keeps leaving me or my life keeps falling apart. But, I don't, and truthfully I'm just a big mess. I want to be okay, damn I mean doesn't everyone want to be okay. To be honest, I don't even know what okay is anymore. I mean is it waking up happy every morning or is it waking up and not being upset. At this point in my life, I would be satisfied with just being fine. Not okay, not great, not happy, just fine. I wish I would just be emotionless, so I couldn't feel any of this pain. The memories, the thoughts they are killers and I'm just another victim. I feel myself growing apart from my family. I can't imagine us ever being okay either. There are times when we laugh and smile, but those are also the times when we are numb to the world. The times when we have escaped from reality. I think it's important for someone to have a role model or really anyone to look up to. That way you are never alone. Those weekends of no plans can be filled with their tweets or music or movies, all available at the touch of a button. They're like portable words of encouragement. Saying don't give up, we're here. I believe a role model is someone who is there for you when your closest companions aren't. I don't understand when people make fun of someone's role model, because how could you judge someone who has saved more lives than you could ever hope of doing. That brings me back to the word "why". Everything in the world loops back to this word. It's inevitable.