Read This When I'm Gone

1. You

You and I met in a way I never thought I'd want to meet someone. It's not as if I had never spoken to guys I've met online. I know how dangerous it can be, but I never thought talking did much harm. Which it never did. But you - you were different.

You were charming and funny, told me I was pretty and made me seem important to you. To this day I know I was important to you and that you really cared about me. You convinced me to Skype with you eventually. I was scared to do it, worried you might have not liked me this way. When you're only texting you have time to think about replies and play it cool, but this was different. My worrying seemed useless after seeing how much you seemed to like me. You Skyped with me again, and again, and again. We Skyped every single day. We'd stay up to the early hours of the morning, sometimes I wouldn't even get any sleep. I'd say goodbye to you and go get ready for school. Then I'd Skype with you after I came home, or after you came home from work. We were inseparable after that first Skype call. I knew things were different now.

We started talking about meeting each other. By either me getting a train ticket and going to you, or you coming to me. It was three weeks until you were coming to spend a weekend with me and I counted down each day. I'll never forget the day I was going to pick you up from the train station. I was sick to my stomach all day from nerves, but I couldn't wait to spend time with you. We texted the entire time until you're train pulled up. I nervously searched through all the people getting off the train, and then there you were. Dressed so nicely, wearing a blazer with your bag in one hand. We hugged and I led you out of the train station and into the busy streets of Stockholm.

We had to stop by my aunts so I could get her bus card from her before we went to where we were staying for the weekend. I felt so proud introducing you to her. Getting to call you my boyfriend. That's one of the best privileges I've ever come to know... I took you downstairs to where my room was and told you that you could sit on my bed while I gather some things and we waited for the next bus we could catch. You laid down instead while I did whatever I needed to do quickly. When I was done I laid down next to you. This moment I will never, ever forget. Lying next to you, you putting your arm under my head so you could hold me, then you turned to look at me instead. I felt so nervous, I knew you wanted to kiss me. I just couldn't stop smiling and you kept asking me what it was that was making me smile, then it happened. The moment your lips touched mine, all nerves and pressure disappeared. Then you kissed me again. I had never before felt what I felt at that moment and I could never, ever forget how you made me feel.

I took you home and you didn't seem nervous at all. You sat yourself down on the couch and relaxed while I scattered around the room nervously trying to straighten up whatever I could. You wanted me to come and sit with you, so I suggested fixing the bed and watching a movie. So we changed into pyjamas (it was late at night) and cuddled under the covers. I remember our movie choice was Man of Steel, but we didn't watch the movie very much, did we? I explored places I'd never been before, feelings I had never felt before, did things I had never done before, places were touched that had gone untouched by anyone until you. Getting to feel you close and sharing these moments with you made you so special to me. I knew you were different.

The weekend came and went all too fast, I was so sad when you had to take the train back again. I knew I was fucked from that moment on. You had me and I wasn't going anywhere. I missed you so much when I returned to the room after you had left. We skyped the moment you were back in your apartment. I cried lying with the blanket we had shared. You said we'll see each other soon again. Which we did, eleven days later. But you were my first. I gave you my heart without even thinking about it. I didn't even realise.

When I think back to it, I had given you my heart from the moment I started liking you, before Skype, before kissing you, before making love to you. You made it so easy. I knew that you'd cherish it. And you did. For seven months you made me the happiest I had ever been in my entire life, although there were downs, I was still happy.

Sometimes, what it takes is for a person to take a step back and look at their actions to see what's going on. That's what happened for me when you said we shouldn't be together anymore. Your words hit me in the heart and knocked the wind out of my chest, but maybe it's exactly what I needed. I was playing games I didn't even realise I was playing. I wasted so much time. At least I did if you actually told me the truth when we broke up. "I never cheated on you." You said in the most sincere voice I've ever heard. I believed you when you said that. I can only hope it's the truth.

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The months I lived together with you were some of the best times of my life, we made memories that will stick with me forever. When I think back on it now, mostly the good memories come to mind. "He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." That's the quote that comes to mind when I think of us. I remember laughing so hard my stomach ached while we watched videos and you pinning me down on the bed, me laughing and screaming for you to stop tickling me. You thought it was so funny to do that even though I hated it. I did hate being tickled, but they were such sweet moments with you that I didn't care.

But, now when I recall those warm memories, I feel cold. Seven months of us, you and me, sharing our lives together and now it doesn't matter. How happy it made me doesn't matter now. Those memories are only a ghost of what once was.