You don't know what you're doing.
You're lying on your bedroom floor and your eyes are closed and your eyelids red with the sunlight coming in through the window and you wonder how the sun is still shining when you're in the eye of a storm.
You open your eyes and the world looks darker after all the sunlight and you wonder if that says something about the world. It feels like it does but you can't order your thoughts. They feel heavy, like lead, like that time you spent hours running around when you were little, playing, and then, when you finally stopped, your legs wouldn't move anymore. Heavy with exhaustion.
You are both tired and awake - aware - and you can't find the energy to get up so you just lie there, listening to your breathing, to your heart, to nothing, to anything but the sound of your parents raging a war downstairs and you wonder how is it possible that two people who hate each other so much could ever have been together long enough.
You find yourself wishing you were someone else, somewhere else, not here, not yourself and you wonder if it would be better or worse, but you're too afraid of the present to think about the future.
You don't really know what you're doing when the house finally goes quiet and the sunlight has faded away and you don't know what you're doing, all you know is you want to escape.
You don't know what you're doing while you're getting dressed and pulling on your jeans and your battered t-shirt and shoving things in your backpack and your heart is beating faster than ever and you're feeling alive for the first time in a long time.
You don't know what you're doing, but you're sneaking out of your room, moving past closed doors, you're making your way down the stairs and you don't know what you're doing but you're out the door and walking away. You don't know where you're going, but you're in a hurry to get there.
You don't know what you're doing until you're gone, until your home (was it ever?) disappears behind you and if this was a legend you would be tempted to look back and then maybe you would be doomed forever, but it isn't and you don't look, you just walk.
You don't know what you're doing when you board the train, when you put on your earphones and hit play on your iPod and you sit and you close your eyes and you leave everything behind and you know you should be feeling sad or maybe happy except it feels like nothing at all.
You don't know what you're doing. This is what they'd tell you.
And it's true.
You don't know what you're doing.
But you do it anyway.
