the joe swanson chronicles

joe swanson x obama

here we fucking go
(rawr) said the triceratops at jurassic park, a wondrous sight for many as they have been extinct for millions and millions of years. many would pay thousands to gaze their eyes and stand in awe at the magnificent creatures. one man however couldn't stand, and that man was joe swanson, the sexiest motherfucker to ever exist. as he wheeled across the park, his bosom heaved and his luscious hair swayed in the hot summer winds. "i sure do love me some diner sauces" said joe, laughing his unmovable ass off. suddenly, he noticed everyone take a bow in front of him. "why are you all making fun of me >:(" exclaimed joe, very fucking displeased by what he was seeing. "i can't stand you all". "No look, it's the greatest president to exist! Obama" yelled some random citizen. "wait, Obama as in Barack Hussein Obama, (born August 4, 1961) an American politician and attorney who served as the 44th president of the United States from 2009 to 2017, also a member of the Democratic Party and the first African-American president of the United States, previously serving as a U.S. senator from Illinois from 2005 to 2008 and an Illinois state senator from 1997 to 2004?" joe questioned. "Yes, Obama as in Barack Hussein Obama, (born August 4, 1961) an American politician and attorney who served as the 44th president of the United States from 2009 to 2017, also a member of the Democratic Party and the first African-American president of the United States, previously serving as a U.S. senator from Illinois from 2005 to 2008 and an Illinois state senator from 1997 to 2004." the same citizen replied.
"Uhhhh, hello, uhhhhh what's your name my fine wheely gentleman?" obama said to Joe, blushing obviously madly in love at first sight. "hey peter" joe replied seductively. "ah i see, your name is uhhhhhhh joe swanson. you live on uhhhhhhh spooner street in uhhhhhhh quahog, rhode island." obama gathered this information from what joe said, and joe replied with simply, "yes." "well uhhhhhh may i come over and uhhhhhhh visit some time?" obama asked joe, doing the uwu face and touching his index fingers together. "yes, for a passionate evening filled with fun and romance" joe replies. "what the fuck is going on?" says one of the random park goers. obama then nods to one of the secret service agents and he fucking shoots the commenter. obama is then hurried into his ahegao themed helicopter and it flies away off the island into the sunset."when will i see him again?" joe wonders to himself. "probably in the next few seconds because an establishing shot will be set outside my house and family man music will play from the heavens."

scene ; Joes house, outside.
intro music/ establishing shot music plays as the shot changes to joes doorstep.

Joe hears a knocking.

"Come in! I've baked mayo, raisin and tuna cookies and i'm willing to join a radical terrorism group!" joe says, humming to himself and doing the disabled version of skipping. "i'll come in but before and during me coming in your home, my name is 'I', i'll be talking in third person and your name is 'Sayori'". "sounds good my honeybun!" 'sayori' (joe) said. "I gently opened the door. Sayor-" obama was cut off mid sentence. much like joe swanson with his first live, the real sayori, obama was star struck upon glance of joe. "uhhhhhh you look very uhhhhhhh beautiful!" obama exclaimed. "b as in barack obama, e as in eureka! it's obama! a as in an amazing president, u as in u there! look! it's obama! t as in troubles of mine are gone as obama is here. i as in i want to scream very loudly and i think most fish are stupid as fuck. f as in fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck obama obama obama obama obama. u as in u can trust obama with your children, yesiree. l as in leaping lizards my name is annie and i can see obama!" a teardrop forms on joes eye, as he struggles to mutter the words "that was the nicest thing anyone's done for me" "i am obama, my first names barack, ask me what to suck on, i'll say joes nutsack" proclaimed obama aspiringly and sexually. joe got up, sat back down, got up again, walked to obama, walked back to his wheelchair, sat back down, stood back up, walked to obama again, and jumped on obama, the force of impact carrying them both outside onto the street. they aggressively, to put it simply, "frenched", while the griffins and cleveland's looked on. "joe! what the fuck are you doing!!!!" screamed louis griffin the naggy bitch. "hehehehe louis, you're a naggy stupid fucking bitch" peter griffin, the husband, giggled to louis, shattering her fucking patellas with a crowbar. joe and obama started undressing until they were down to their matching peanut butter jelly time underwear, all the while passionately locking lips. "i'm joe fucking swanson" said obama, imitating joe. "i'm joe fucking swanson" said joe, imitating obama imitating joe. "i'm barack fucking obama" said obama, being obama. "i'm barack fucking obama, i'm going to bomb my location" said joe, imitating obama when he's on the first line in the middle ground and he has no hope so he figures i'll take them out with me. "NOOOOOOOO UHHHHHH JOE YOULL UHHHHH DIE" screamed obama in tears. "it is okay obama, you are an ex president who has two daughters sasha and maliah or something" joe calmed obama down with these words. "with this, i must go but let me leave you with these words. canoodle nude in a canoe with two dudes with some toaster strudels. toodles you fucking disappointment of a president." joe then pulls out a gun and politically assassinates obama. he touches his toes, licks his fingers, does the electric boogaloo and flies into the mystical sunset.