incandescent ²

11. milky way

l a u r e n

would it be hypocritical of me to call arden a mess?

i'm being my less than pushover self, without actually being a pushover. but arden's clearly fighting something --- probably himself --- and it's too hard not to notice.

he's way past tearing up, already in the middle of a full on crying fest, and lord knows i don't know how to help him. my first instinct is to give him a hug, but with everything he's said. . .a part of me fears he might push me away.

if that happens and i can't regain my balance, i'll end up falling, hurting my knee even more, and probably fracturing every bone that hits the ground, leading to some good 'ol internal bleeding that'll surely result in my death.

"are you — are you okay?" i ask. it wasn't meant to come out that way, because i have eyes, and i can clearly see that he's not, but i don't know how to ask if i can get closer to him and try my best to calm him down.

hearing him sob is heartbreaking, and i can't take much more of it, so i throw my arms around him, clinging as tightly as i can without hurting myself. i expect him to flinch and he slightly does before relaxing into my arms, still crying and shaking in a vibrating manner. he snakes his arms around me, and i mentally note that he might be a hugger.

he's pulling me in --- literally --- and engulfing us in bodily warmth. the only problem is, i can't breathe well anymore, and he's holding on to me so tightly that it hurts, but i can't pull away, because then i'll be drenched in guilt, so i stay.

he might be crushing my ribs and that scares me, plus, it hurts so much that tears are brimming at the corners of my eyes. he sniffles and pulls his head back to take a look at me, and his eyes widen as he jumps back like i've burned him.

"ren," he whispers shakily. the bodily vibrations have reduced noticeably, and i crack a small smile because i did that, even though it hurt to. "you didn't have to—"

i shake my head. "i saw you needed it," i say with a slight shrug. "it's not as bad as you think."

"lauren." it's the first time he's said my name, and i get the feeling he's serious and sorry for taking the hug i gave him. that wasn't the point; the point was to enjoy it and stop tearing up, but now he's sorry and i feel guilty.

"arden," i say with a matching tone.

"please, don't do that. don't feel the need to make me feel better at your detriment. it doesn't matter much, because i'm going to get over it. i'll eventually stop crying and or getting mad for no reason, and we'll be okay." he bites down on his bottom lip, his eyes searching mine. "don't go out of your way to help anyone at your expense. what if something bad happens?"

"then i guess i'd go out as a hero," i manage to croak out.

my throat is scratchy and i'm trying to steady my breathing again, but trying to get oxygen in my lungs feels more strenuous than lugging my weight up a hill, and i'm scared for my life, because i'm not ready to die.

i'm just seventeen.

"this, this is the problem. can you stop saying that like it's perfectly normal and everything is fine? you're not going to go out as a hero even if you save someone because nobody cares! people don't give two frogs about who saves who and who does what, so you can give up on that hero thing ever happening. there's nothing wrong with living a low-key life—under the radar, while making an impact on the ones closest to you."

i think i'm starting to get on arden's bad side, and i can't say i hate it, because that'd be lying.

what if i don't have osteosarcoma and all the diagnoses were wrong? what if it's all just growing pains? or a weird bodily reaction to all the times i've been—

my eyes snap to arden's. "want to get something to eat? i mean, i think there's a twenty-four hour fast food restaurant on my way to the park from home and i'm not totally broke. . . plus, food helps raise dopamine levels," i suggest, reaching into the inner compartment of the denim jacket i'm wearing. "i totally made that up, but it might be true."

i'm not hungry, it was just the quickest way to shut my brain up.

he clicks his tongue and slaps his cheeks twice, probably to wake himself up or something. "yeah, sure." he starts walking again, plunging us into silence, only this time, it's anything but comfortable.

i'm itching to say something, but i don't know what to bring up. thankfully, he starts up a conversation and i'm glad because it's an excuse not to think.

"i have a basketball game next week against my school's rivals. we've got this type of weird relationship where we can't tell which is better, because it's either they win then we win the next match or we tie — that doesn't happen often — and this game is. . . really important. i was wondering if you could maybe, i don't know, come be my good luck charm?" he stopped to smile at me, the corners of his eyes crinkling. "you don't have to if you can't," he adds.

the thing is, i want to. a basketball game sounds like the kind of thing i've missed out on because of cancer, and i think i deserve to have one normal thing before i inevitably die.

unable to mask my excitement, i nod like a bobblehead. "yeah, of course. but, you. . . i don't want to get lost, and i can't let you come over to pick me up, so—"

"that's an easy fix, ren. don't worry yourself about it." he leans closer, touching his forehead with mine and my breath hitches.

i'm shell shocked and can't function, my brain is going haywire and my heart rate is alarming, but in a good way.

he takes a step back and goes back to walking like that didn't just happen, and i shake my head, trying to get myself back into reality.

"you do your part by showing up at the park and i'll pick you up from there," he says. "see? easy!"

i still can't feel my body.

·—·
a/n

i'm halfway through my exams and that's the only reason i can find time to write
on a more important note, how're you doing today and how'd you like this chapter?
don't forget to leave a vote! and have a nice day <3