Louis: We need to talk. This is getting out of hand.
He texts me. For the first time in forever he texts me and all he has to say is something I've been saying for weeks now.
I agree for him to come to my house because my mum is gone again. It's starting to feel like she doesn't like being home with me.
It takes five minutes before I hear the doorbell ring.
"Come in." I say with no emotion. Motioning for him to go to the living room.
"Talk." I say as we sit down.
"I dont know where to start..." he says doubting.
"Why don't you start with the fact that you are still pissed after me trying my best not to be a dick in any way possible listening to everything you say and not disagreeing once." I say a little harsh maybe. But I'm pretty pissed too at this point.
"You really don't get it do ya?"
"Get what Louis? What did I do so wrong that makes you so furiously pissed to not be able to forgive me for a stupid mistake that I admit was a big mistake. But still. Eleanor-"
"Leave her out of this. Anything she does doesn't count. I let her do whatever she wants because I need her to cover for me. You on the other hand, I actually thought loved me. Our relationship is nothing like the one with her."
I let out a deep relieving breath. He sees nothing special in Eleanor after all. Even after these weeks of clingyness.
"I get that but can't you forgive me? I feel terrible about it and you know that. I literally have been at points were I could slap both you and Eleanor but I stayed quiet and didn't do shit. I just accepted it and tried not to publicly cry."
"I get that Harry. But... there is one little thing you never did..."
"And what may that be exactly?"
"OH FOR FUCKS SAKE HARRY. YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU'RE SORRY. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SAY YOU'RE SORRY?!" He suddenly snaps and starts screaming at me.
"REALLY?! That's what you're fed up about?! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. I DON'T DO SORRY. OKAY. I'M SORRY TO INFORM YOU ABOUT THAT BUT THATS ALL YOU'RE GONNA GET."
"Seriously Harry. Why? Why can't you just say sorry?" He says way more calm. Looking confused in my eyes. Searching for some kind of answer to his question.
"Because. I. Don't. Do. Sorry." I say harsh. My voice is loud but not screaming anymore.
"But why? What is the reason for that?" He keeps asking and Im reaching my limits.
"Lou stop it."
"No I want to know. What happened that you don't say sorry?!" He tries to force out it of me. Making me only more furious.
"Louis! Stop it. Right now. I'm not telling you. Give up before it's too late I warn."
"No I have the right to know why you can't simply say you're sorry. That you actually care enough to say it."
"Are you saying I don't care enough because I don't say sorry?!" He is making me more and more angry with the second. And before I know I start saying things I don't mean...
"YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK HERE LOU. YOU TORTURED ME FOR WEEKS WHILE I DID IT FOR FIVE SECONDS."
He looked taken back and a little angry I compared the two completely different things.
"You are the one who has been leading me on for over half a year. I'm not the one with a girlfriend and a boyfriend on the side. Because that's what I am. Isn't it? A side salat. If the meal can fulfill your needs the side salat gets left on the side. Ignored. Isn't it Lou?"
"Harry you know-"
"I know what? That you are to fucking scared to face the fact that you're gay. Because you are. YOU'RE. FUCKING. GAY. And people may be to blind to see. But you are. And sooner or later that closet is gonna creep in on you. You either get out yourself or someone outs you!" My voice builders throughout the house making Louis flinch.
"You're a coward for trying to hide this long. You had me for fucks sake. I would've done anything but you don't trust me. You never did. You never trust anybody!"
"And about me and El. I want you to choose. It's me or her. Make a choice Lou. I'm done being second choice."
"You want me to choose between you and my only defense?!"
"You should just come out already. Grow some fucking balls and just get it over with. You're such a FUCKING COWARD!" I look into his eyes and see him tearing up. But filling with rage as well.
What the hell did I just say...
He grabs his jacket and stands up from the couch
"No Lou. I didn't mean it. No. Lou please! Don't leave me. Louis! No stay! Please Lou don't- don't do this..." Tears are streaming down my face as he heads to the front door.
I grab his hand but he pulls back leaving me defenseless. He slams the door in my face. I drop to ground. Screaming to myself.
How could I ever fuck this up this bad?! How did I make it even worse than it already was.
___________________________________
I've been crying for hours. Cursing at myself for fucking up like this. I guess we're officially over. All because I couldn't say I'm sorry...
I grabbed my guitar and started playing some of his favorite songs. Crying during nearly all of them. The neighborhood probably thinks I'm crazy or something.
I start strumming Please Dont Leave Me and cry the hardest of all the songs before. Barely able to get the lyrics out.
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I can be so mean when I wanna be I am capable of really anything I can cut you into pieces When my heart is... Broken
Please Don't leave me Please Don't leave me
If only Lou would see this side of me.
And I need you I'm sorry...
I actually mean it. I am sorry. I really am. I'm just to stubborn to admit it. To quote myself 'I'm just an arrogant son of a bitch who can't admit when he's sorry.'
