Burden. Inconvenience. Deadweight. Those are the words I'd describe myself as lately. I've taken a month break from any contacts to my friends. And guess what.? No one fucking missed me...
I've received a 'hey' from two people and that was it, they didn't try again. They simply didn't notice. They simply didn't care. It was hard for me, I'm a very affectionate person. I didn't want to let myself get dragged down by that though. So what, if I'm the person that keeps the contact going right.? Wrong. Super duper wrong.
Just everyone that comes along bails on me, I don't understand why... I have so much to give, I can always hold a conversation and I'm not someone to let you down. It's like, the more I give, the more it backfires. Us humans want to save time on many things daily and we invented things to make that possible. But never would I have realized, that they want to save time regarding social interaction.
The top words in today's conversations are: 'Uff, Ok, Hey, How R U, Yeh, Cool, Nice, Sup, lol, lmao, g2g' Wow, I'm just thrilled over these.! Been looking forward to talking to people all day and getting one of these words back. Thanks for carefully picking these out for me, I feel super special. While you're at it, throw in an 'Emoji' too. Just love them.
Maybe I should give up on keeping friends already. They're never there and if they are, they bore me to pieces. Is it possible I'm just overlooking the kind people, that are willing to have a nice conversation? Where are the soulful writers, the clingy folks and those, that aren't able to work/go to school due to whatever reason?
I've opened up to a person today and she was heartfelt and told me how great I was. And then suddenly she made up some half-assed lie to disappear immediately. And I kept seeing her coming back online. That stings, am I really that bad? I really felt like she was being genuine and promised that we would be there for each other. I'd have many stories to tell, of the times I've encountered assholes. But that would be as thick as a novel.
I keep blaming myself, that maybe I'm just not good enough and should just disappear from everyone's sight. I already think I'm annoying and pathetic but others are really opening my eyes lately. So maybe I should thank them for making me see the truth. That I should just die. If they can go without me for a month, they won't care that I'm gone.
