Its been so wild. Been up since 2 am? Stressed to near death. I hadn't to skip online school today since of being so sick from stress. Its been awful.
I ended up break down and telling the complete truth to Jack and Linnaea. I was so nervous, scared to death of what they were going to say. Were they gonna leave me? Were they gonna accept me? They have to accept me, right??? The love me right??
Those thoughts racing in my mind, over and over and over. I did sigils to hopefully make the outcome better. Listening to music is calm down, to prove to myself that they love me.
To be honest, it was so stressful. Around the morning time, like am, they responded.
I got so scared, worried, but deep inside I knew it was going to be fine. They were so shocked. I could feel that they left so guilty, so upset, mad. Of course I wasn't doing school that day since I was so sick.
I was half expecting them to push me away but instead, they pulled me closer. They asked if I could explain it to them and to be completely honest. I was afraid, of course but I knew I had to take this lead of faith.
I ended up calling them, their voices were so cute and lovely. But I knew that they had fear, shame, guilt, and so many other emotions in their voices.
I slowly started to explain to them everything. How they made me feel so ashamed of myself, made me feel like a failure or lesser than a person. How I was so afraid to let go, how I felt like I have to stay because there is somehow a connection or something special that won't let me give up. Then how I had a toxic ex and how it been effecting me.
They were so shocked. I could feel and hear it in their voices. They started to apologize and asked me what I wanted in the relationship.
I said "I just want to be equal, to be able to be close you two, but still keep my freedom and my other life". I also explained how I have like a double life, one life being risky and stuff like that, the other being normal and innocent.
They were silent, I got scared but had to relax down. They asked me what they should do for me. I was nervous, I sighed and told them right off the bat that it might be very selfish of me, but to just be softer and show what side they are at. I hated how I had to guess if they truly loved me and how I always felt left out. They started to apologize, I accept their apology.
It felt amazing to be finally honest with them. I did suddenly feel a shift of energy, they asked how would I feel about a relationship mixed with soft and rough. I asked for them to explain it to me.
They said that they would be rough and soft as in they would still do teasing and stuff like that but will make sure that everyone feels comfortable and has a say in it. I agreed to that.
I did mention how I was still nervous about the pregnancy and marriage thing, explaining how I feared it will push me even farther away.
They told me that they want to think it through more, then asked for my advice.
I told them to sit down and think about what their actions will affect their future. How they will completely lose their freedom, how they won't be able to have sex and stuff like that, how they will going to have so much more stressed and how in the end, they will have to give up their whole life.
They were silent, I heard them chat to each other and then told they will think over this.
They asked me how would I feel if they were to do an abortion. I told them that if they want to, they can. I only want the best for them. I did mention how young they are, how much of life they will miss out, how much they will miss out on themselves and me.
They told me that they were going to break the marriage and do the abortion. I told them to be completely sure if they want to. I will support them either way, they said they wanted me to be happy as I have made them happy time and time again.
It felt so nice to finally talk and be happy with them. It felt so freeing. I starting to see how it really pushed me to stand up for myself. I, it felt so amazing.
I am still with them, happy. They did end up getting the abortion and breaking the marriage a couple days later. They thanked me, it felt so nice, it felt like so much weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I finally felt happy and at peace with no worries, no stress, no anxiety.
I even started to eat once again! It felt amazing. They did decide to not push standards on to me if I didn't want to do them. They are even sweeter, softer, and nicer to me!!
I am so grateful for this working out and the universe, the moon, and the stars for helping me out. I feel so so so happy and excited for what's next in store for me.💙
