incandescent ²

12. planet

a r d e n

transient.

that's the only word that can describe my emotions. maybe calling them emotions is a bit of a stretch, but if no one's going to validate me, i'd better validate myself.

after last night with ren - thankfully, i remember her name - i got home into the wee hours of the morning, with very droopy eyes and a staggering posture, almost fully devoid of balance.

it's a miracle how i didn't wake up to find myself lying face down on the concrete.

now, it's morning and i'm at the table with a steaming cup of coffee in front of me and a stack of pancakes i probably won't get to eating.

arya'a smiling a wide-toothed smile and stabbing her food with a fork while chattering about how her previous day went, but i can't bring myself to focus on what's happening in front of me.

i want another gender reassignment surgery.

not necessarily reassignment, since i don't want to change who i am. i chose this after all. maybe a tweaking, enhance my masculinity, and pop a few more testosterone pills.

i don't feel comfortable with myself anymore.

"arden?" arya jabs her fork towards me, almost stabbing me in the face. "you look tired."

funny how a child can tell these things but my parents don't ever notice the changes.

i force a smile but i can tell it looks weak. "i'm okay," i say.

am i okay?

i should be up in my room either blasting music from my speakers or out with may or ren, but i'm seated at the table, playing with my breakfast and overthinking my existence.

honestly, my life's fun.

☂︎☂︎☂︎

the streets are awfully crowded for an afternoon like this, and i almost fell off the sidewalk six times already. i somehow convinced ren to have coffee with me today, and she agreed to, which basically made my day in advance.

when i think about her, i can't stop. it's become a cycle, and i'm glad because on one hand, it means not forgetting her, which is a good thing, and on the other hand, it's getting in the way of everything else.

last night i watched her pull off a chunk of hair and bite her lip as she did so. it wasn't pulling off per se, more like it fell out, and that's the harsh proof that her illness isn't getting better, and that she might die before i get the chance to help her live a little.

and yeah, it breaks my heart to think about it, but i can't not think about it.

we've been "friends" for about three weeks now - i can't believe it's been that long - and she's still being guarded.

did you expect her to let her walls crumble?

no.

that'd be too much to hope for, and a tad bit selfish, and i don't do selfish. or at least, not in this situation. she's not going to be fine, no matter how much i want her to, so we just have to make the most of the time we've got.

even if it's an uncertain amount.

i'm a few meters away from the coffee shop when i see her, and all i can say is she looks so much better when i can actually see her.

she's clad in a beige top and a pair of brown leggings that disappear under her furry boots, somewhere between the knees and ankles. to be honest, it suits what i assumed her aesthetic would be, while flowing in sync with her skin tone.

her brown skin just makes everything pop, but in a good way.

for a minute, i forget how to function, and it's until i'm gasping for air that i realize i haven't been breathing.

"i swear to god, if i forget how she looks, i'm going to hate myself," i mutter under my breath.

taking steps feels like i'm doing a workout. it's like my legs are chained the the ground and all my bones have been taken out. i can't afford to fall and make a fool of myself, but it looks like that's inevitable.

"ren." my throat is scratchy and no sound comes out when i speak. i gulp mouthfuls of air and try again. "ren."

this time, i can hear myself.

+++
a/n

noooo, it's so short and i apologize for the long wait.
i hope this chapter didn't disappoint you--- and have a nice day!