"CHAIRMAN MEOW, OFF" I ordered. The ginger cat leaped off the sofa and onto the carpet. What he does all day when I'm not home I wondered. I sat down onto the rickety old couch. It was hardly red anymore and made a racket of creaking. I blasted the TV sound up over the pouring rain and tried to watch. Car crash in the inner west... Bla bla. The news reader droned on with her overly made up face.
I watched chairman. As he breathed his fur softened and spread out. His coat was orange with light. Magnus had given him to me (my dad). Chairman was even older and he was more of Magnus’s child then I was. I looked away to stop thinking about it.
Day after day I went to my unsuccessful work. Painting under appreciated art and watching people ignoring it. Everyday I'd go home on the train. To my small old cottage near the lake.
Tonight I walked home clumsily, upset and cold. Anger was boiling in my stomach like roaring fire, but I kept my head down watching my faded converse kick through the autumn leaves. I watched as people lost their scarfs and chased them through the park. Magnus had said taking in little details was just part of my artistic mind but of course he was far away right now and so was Alec ( my Other dad).
As I fumbled my keys into my door I started shaking. Shaking with anger? I didn't know. But as I walked in to the mess the anger burst out and I started yelling. Uncontrollably screaming in frustration. Kicking the mess on the floor and hissing at Stupid chairman as he darted out of the living space. I hadn't had a go like this in years. It roared through me bubbling up my insides as I reached for a painting on the wall. With my nails I scraped the painting and snapped in half, yelling more.
One by one the pictures on the walls came down to be thrown to bits. I just need to smash something. I was making a terrible racket but I didn't care. I cared as much as everyone else cared about my art. Poisonous thoughts rattled into my head but I kept them down.
Suddenly my frustration turned into sadness. And small hot tears leaked out of my eyes. And before I could realize what it was my cheeks started burning. A searing acid pain snaking Down my cheek. My cries loudening with painful shrieks. The hot tears were now burning. It felt like it was denting my skin. Scraping the path of the tears down my cheek.
Eventually I stopped. I willed and forced myself to stop. Calming down my hot breath. I stood up meekly and slumped into my bedroom. Chairman meow was on my bed so I snuggled into him. Feeling his soft fur. Hugging him gently and focusing on counting. In my head I counted, a game I used to play when I was little to calm down. So I did and I fell asleep. Slowly forgetting the picture of my bloodied nails and the horrific mess.
The day after, I woke up with a terrible headache and chairman meow was gone. I plaited my long ginger hair let it drop to my hip. I scurried like a mouse through my draws and picked out black full length leggings, denim overalls and white tee saying NERD FIGHTERS. As I walked out of my cottage throwing on a maroon scarf I noticed the warmth bronzing and hugging my legs.
Simon and I organized to go to the beach today. His slender shape curled against mine. It was extremely awkward but I looked him strongly in the eye. willing him to look back. He looked away smiling and laughing and I was taken back.”soooooooo” I say “the beach”. We walked down to the beach. I walked down the stairs and he jumped with amazing agility and speed. We spent the night splashing and laughing. Building sandcastles.
"when I was little there was a day just like this” I said smiling sadly. I watched as he sat down. His set jawbone. His dark bushy eyebrows. set over his brown eyes. It was almost perfect timing as the sun set behind. Making him look like an angel. He looked surprisingly sad. I didn’t know why.
I wanted to cheer him up and this seemed to be saddening him.
The silence between us was awkward. confusing.
Then I remeber falling and black.
