Beauty From Ashes

Chapter 13

So this is gonna immediately pick up from where the last chapter left off.

Cheyenne's POV:
The past few days since talking to Curtis have been.....eye-opening to say the least. Not just because I've begun texting with him more frequently than I was expecting, but the things that were discussed have caused me to look back on certain moments in the past.
And I see them in a whole new light now.

Hearing Lacey's story about her ex joining porn go work with people like me, who.....I remember doing a scene with someone named Chase before, but I don't know if it's the same guy. And now I'm wondering how many other people I had influenced like that. How many relationships I affected through doing this work. I did drag some of my childhood friends into working with me, not just Dustin.
I already knew I was affecting church goers. It's no secret that at least one third of the current PC's are former church attendees, so we already had a grip on other youth kids.

But then Phoebe told me stories about their past friendship, with Lacey AND Chase. It makes me remember how Dustin had changed a lot after working with us. Such an energetic, outgoing soul, reduced to a man of deep depression, haunted by regret of his actions.

There are a lot of things I've had time to think back on, including some of the people we ended up seducing, like the Lisa girl that Kevin was dating. And, the more I remember them, the more disgusted I am by how they went down. I suddenly remember the fear and remorse in several eyes of the people I had seduced, doing it against their will and not once asking them if they were okay.

In fact, just recently I thought back to my first time having sex with Angela and everyone else, and I honestly can't remember much about it, but the only thing I CAN remember tight now, are feelings of fear and discomfort.
Come to think of it, I can't remember giving any of them consent to do what they did to me. It feels like they might have forced me against my will, and then I just adapted that same mindset as time went on.

The feelings of pain that I remember from a good number of sex scenes I had filmed, is something I've dwelled about since the start, but It's gotten even worse now!
From what I know, the majority of pornography, the positions and actions that you see on screen, are all scripted. But the PC's and I, we were determined to always be authentic, so we genuinely did everything. I've always had a great amount of energy, and I had very little limits in what I could do, but......I'm realizing that there's a reason why they choose to script it.

It's so unsettling for me. The fact that I've done all of this crap for work, for more than 4 years of my life! And for some reason it took getting mangled and raped by fucking demons for me to recognize all of these, negative aspects of my pornography experience that I never even thought about! I haven't even considered everyone else's well-being until just recently. So, what does that even say about me?
Was I really just raping hundreds of people for THIS long?

The Christian stuff is....is something I've been dwelling on a lot in my thoughts as well.
Since I grew up as an Adventist, having very little exposure to other Christian denominations, and growing up with so many strict rules, the time I've spent with this youth group has been giving me all sorts of questions. Did Kevin and Elijah do similar things with their group nowadays? All of the youth groups the PC's and I had invaded and ignited, what were their leaders like?
We caused so many controversies that ultimately shut down a couple churches. I went along with it, thinking they were all the same strict, hypocritical, stuck up Christians. I thought all Christian's had the same restrictions as adventists.

Curtis, he's definitely a nice guy and he's accepting me a lot better and more fairly than many pastors normally would. But he seems a little bit too trusting. Hopefully that won't get him into trouble.