Ever since the moment I saw the light of day, I've been waiting. They don't know it - mommy doesn't know it, or daddy doesn't, but I have.
Every moment that I'm awake, I'm tucked in a blanket. Mommy picks me up and tells me every morning that daddy's not here yet, but she tells me when he'll come.
"Two weeks until he's home, baby."
Two weeks. How long is that? It seems like it would be ages, but I can't know. I have only ever experienced one week, ever. I am only one week old.
Mommy pokes at my tummy and my feeble hair. The way she talks makes the wait sound like forever.
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"Seven days left till he's home."
Mommy's eyes get a little wet as she keeps talking. "I talked to daddy last night. I wish you could have - well, of course you couldn't have talked to him, could you, Carrie? But I wish you could have made one of your faces at him, or stuck your tongue out at him, or something..." A tear runs down her cheek. Is she sad?
I stick my tongue out at her to make her feel better.
She laughs, and says, "You were asleep already, and I couldn't do much about that, you heavy little sleeper. You were knocked out last night!" She took a deep breath, leading more tears. "But I just want you to hear his voice." She's crying a lot. She's very sad. My whole world shifts as mommy does, and then she holds up a picture of a person. A man.
She points at the man's face. "This is daddy."
I am too weak to do much but try to lift up my arm and stick out my tongue again, and I start to cry with her. All of a sudden, I want to know daddy. I want to know how he can make mommy so sad, and how he can make me so sad, too.
Mommy holds me close to her chest and rocks me slowly, back and forth. "Seven days," she whispers to me.
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I am with my animals and blankets, leaned against a bear. He is very soft and friendly to me - the bear has been a true friend through this first two weeks, right there to bury my face in when I cry. I have to do some rolling to get to him, but he is so soft that it's worth it.
Mommy walks in this morning to find me with my bear. She holds her hands on my bedrail and looks like she's trying to hold back tears. "Three days," she says quietly, "until you get to meet the man who gave you that bear."
It takes a second to register that she's talking about daddy. Daddy gave me that bear.
I blink at mommy. She smiles, sadly. How can she be so sad about such a happy man?
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"Two days." All that day, she told me all about him.
"He's always happy. In this picture, he's smiling, and in this one, he's smiling - he smiles in most all of the pictures." I try to smile, but just end up screwing up my lips. "He has a beautiful smile. I'm glad he uses it, unlike some of the other men who just look at the camera." She holds up a new picture, with two men in it. One must be daddy... But which one?
"He's so loving. He's the reason you're here, in my arms, you know. He loves you so much, and he can't wait to see you." Mommy rocks me a little bit, to keep me just awake enough to hear her. "He gave me this ring." She holds up her finger to show me the shiny metal on her hand. I want to touch it, and maybe eat it, but I can't even grab her finger. Mommy seems to understand, and tucks her finger into my hand.
"He gives me lots of gifts - he gave both of us this house, and everything in it, too." She pauses. "He loves you and me very much, baby. More than the world. He would do anything for us, anything to keep us safe. That's why he's out there, fighting the bad guys - so we can be safe. So everyone can be safe. Because he loves everyone - but he loves us more than everyone."
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This morning she woke me up too early. "Don't cry, Carrie," she whispers, and wraps me in a blanket. I'm warm enough that I fall asleep. "Today's the day," she whispers into my thoughts.
I'm dreaming about daddy. What is he like? He loves me a lot - will he put a ring on my finger? Will it be as sparkly as mommy's? Or will he kiss me, all over, like mommy does? Will he tickle me?
How does mommy know that he loves me?
I think I know that he loves me. He peeks in on my dreams sometimes, and I can see the face in that picture smile and wave at me through a window. I wave back, the way I couldn't in real life. But it is only a dream.
"Carrie, he's going to be here in a minute."
A minute? How long is a minute? Is it shorter than a day?
I look up at mommy, who is looking out at the crowd, trying to find someone. She's trying to find daddy, I remember.
I manage to make the smallest of noises, calling out to daddy, too. We'll find him soon.
Mommy squeezes me. "There he is! Oh my goodness, there - Carter!"
Mommy holds me up with her, so that I am as tall as she is. "Carter, over here!"
A man looks at us.
"Carter!" Mommy shouts again, and the man yells back.
"Elouise!"
"Carter!"
Mommy runs after that, toward the man she calls Carter. They don't even stop when they get close enough - they run and run and collide with each other and don't stop. They hold each other tightly, and I'm stuck in the middle of it.
"Where is she?" I hear Carter whisper.
Mommy pulls back and holds me out to Carter. "Here." She pulls me back to her, and explains to me. "Carrie, this is your daddy, Carter."
"Carrie," daddy laughs and he holds out his arms and swoops me up.
I fit in his hands. He has very big hands, but they're big like my teddy bear - cozy and comforting. He touches my face, and looks at me like I'm a little miracle. Like I'm his favorite thing in the world.
"Caroline," he says.
The tie that I've felt to the man in the picture is stronger than ever. I stick my tongue out at him and he pokes it, and slowly but surely, I reach my arm up and grab his finger.
"That's the first time she's been able to do that," mommy says. She's crying again.
Daddy pulls me up to him, bringing the tie closer, and kisses my forehead.
I know he loves me. And I know I love him, too.
