incandescent ²

13. cosmos

l a u r e n

i know i'm an idiot, but i had no idea i was stupid and bordering irrational. if i were sane, i probably wouldn't be out on a "date" with a complete stranger.

god. my dad's gonna kill me if he finds out i'm living my life.

i stretch out a hand and wave arden over. he's wearing a wide smile and when he's close enough, i catch a whiff of his cologne. thankfully, it's not the excessively strong type that's capable of suffocating a normal human being.

"so, i'm here, just as you asked," i say with a smile i believe is too big for my face. i can see my reflection in the glass mirror thing that's in front of the coffee shop (i don't go out much so it's really not my fault) and i don't like it one bit.

i look very disgusting, very unhealthy, with hollow cheekbones and everything, and my heart plummets to the ground, but i have to keep a straight face.

i hate it when arden gets worked up because of me, so i won't let any emotions surface.

"yeah. this is. . . weird. i didn't expect you to show up," he mutters. linking his arm with mine, he intertwined our fingers together.

it's a small action with probably no meaning behind it, but it's enough body contact to send my brain into overdrive.

well, mostly because i'm a needy, touch-starved bitch.

"sorry, i guess?" i chuckle nervously, tucking a lock of hair behind my hair. it's a pointless action because the lock falls out of place again, slapping the side of my face.

"so, uh, let's go in."

i want to talk to him about my family. not in the sense that we're something, though that's not so bad, but mostly because my sister's heard a lot about him and wants to meet him.

i also want to ask about his next basketball game, because this time, i'll make sure to attend it and not stay home and rot.

with everything that's been happening lately, i give myself a month and a half, tops.

"i wanna know; what's your take on the . . . community," arden says once we take our seats.

we're seated in a booth at the far end of the shop, safely tucked away from sight. it's secluded, my type of thing. except in this case, because as much as i hate to say it, i still don't trust arden.

how could i?

i don't even know his last name.

i pick up the menu on the table. i think it's unnecessary, but it's cute so i won't complain.

"what, you mean like, pride?" my eyes skim over the beverage options, but i know what i'm getting. i'll take whatever arden says to get, because he's probably tried all types of coffee while i've been at home, dying.

"yeah."

"well." lips pursed, i snap the menu shut. "it doesn't really bother me, so i don't have an opinion. but if it came down to it, i'd say i don't believe in it."

his face falls. like, literally falls. "oh."

"not in the way you're thinking," i quickly add. "i'm not a homophobic piece of trash. i care about all lives and all that, but i just don't believe in the idea of labelling yourself based on the type of people you're into. it's a scam, and i actually have an opinion on this: i think the community is highly toxic."

"but?"

"but nothing. everyone's evil, no matter who they love." i slam the menu down just as a waiter approaches our table to take our orders. for a second, i wonder why arden brought up the topic, then i ponder on the chances of him being not a cishet, and i probably look like my brain hurts, and that's because it does.

and of course, arden being the gentleman he is, doesn't fail to point it out.

"are you alright? you look like you're having an aneurysm."

i feel like i've made a huge mistake. i shouldn't be out here on a coffee "date", i should be at home, in bed, facing the ceiling and pondering my existence, trying to figure out my purpose of being brought into this world.

i can't just get up and leave.

"yeah, i'm perfect!" i say with excess enthusiasm, and he can see right through it. i run a hand through my hair and it falls out in large quantity.

god, i'm so stupid.

arden's eyes widen and he reaches over and gently takes my hand out of my hair so that i don't do any more harm, and he grabs the loose locks, rolling them into a ball. "your bag," he whispers. "stash it in there."

i do as told, because i clearly can't do anything right on my own accord. my eyes begin to sting and i quickly wipe them before anyone can notice.

unfortunately, i'm not fast enough, because arden notices the tears. or maybe it's my fault for sniffling too loudly.

"hey." he smiles. "you'll be fine, i promise."

i don't believe him. not even for a second.

"i think. . . i think i need to go home," i manage to say, though i don't make any move to leave. i have never had a frappuccino in my life, and i'm not going to waste my only opportunity to try one. if it means sitting in this uncomfortable wooden chair for the next five to ten minutes, then i'll do it.

plus, i don't want to go home yet. i might die on the way, or something equally as terrible might happen, and i won't have the strength to prevent it.

and yes. i'm talking about the alleyways.

"stay a bit? i'll walk you when you're done."

i shake my head, causing what's left of my hair to slap the sides of my face. it disgusts me, and i want to chop it all off.

"i just want my coffee." i look away.

+++
a/n

hi! i'm not pleased to announce that incandescent is coming to an end :/

with that said, have a stellar day!