Whenever me and my mom have the talk about me needing to get more exercise, it ALWAYS makes me get EXTREMELY upset. I start to remember that for my age and height, I'm overweight. I don't exercise. I have a belly. I start to think bad thoughts again. And the thought that I'm going to HAVE to do something that I HATE in order to like myself again just...it makes me wish that I wasn't on this earth anymore. Of course, think of my family. They couldn't handle another death, especially in the same horrible year and only a mere few months apart. Everyone would fall into a deep despair and I could NEVER do that to them. They're the only ones keeping me from spiralling down even further. Sometimes I wish I could just tell them that I feel this way. I wish I knew how to do that. I sometimes wish that I could get tested for depression just to make sure that none of this is linked. I mean, depression in teens is getting more and more common.
I remember when my mom asked the doctor if the fact that me spending literally all my time avoiding my family coped up in my room could be liked to depression, but she said that it was just a normal teen thing to do. I wish she didn't say that and said that it was a possibility and that if she was really concerned about that, to go see someone. Then I'd get my fears either confirmed or denied.
I think I might write a google docs about this and show it to my mom, but run away to my room before she finishes reading it so I can cry along for like...30 seconds.
