Short Scenes

Silent Scream

"You're beautiful even when you cry"

I've been here with him for three days now, in an anonymous country, in an anonymous city. I've known him for a long time, we talked a lot. And now I met him. We fell in love at first sight, I think. I've been living in his house for three days now. I'm in love, but I'm not. An inexplicable feeling took over. We sleep in the same room, in a same bed, but I'm still not sure how I feel. Would I be a traitor? Is it deceptive?

The white sheet slid off the bed  as I got up next to him. He sleeps deeply, so peaceful. As I opened the glass door to the patio, the white curtains were picked up by the wind. I walked barefoot along the wooden floor all the way to the railing. The warm wind at night picked up the bottom of my nightgown and swayed it loosely. His house overlooks the beach. The sea roared softly, waves slammed into the rocks protruding from the water, and then slammed high back into the depths of the sea. From my loosely tied hair, the wind slowly slid the hair rubber out and fell silently to the floor. My hair was now free as it was picked up by a stray wind. From here, the view is the most beautiful, be it the stars or the sea. I always longed for a beach house, but I could never swim. Soft, dull footsteps approached me, then two strong arms pounded around. He didn't say anything. He covered my shoulders with kisses all the way to my neck, then finally resting his head on my shoulder. I touched the arms embracing me with one hand. That's how we stood for long, silent minutes. I'm scared,  scared. I turned my head to the side. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the ice blue eyes almost glowing in the moonlight.I greeted his kiss with my eyes closed as he pressed my waist a little harder. I felt himself squeezing himself against me. No. I interrupted the kiss and turned to gently push him away from me. I scanned his face waiting for his reaction. His dark hair fell into his eyes. He took a deep breath as if he wanted to say something... But in the end he didn't say anything. He stepped back only a few steps, then after a while turned and went back into the room. It was as if I thought a spark of frustration flashed in his eyes as he turned his back on me. I feel like I got the bad ending in an otome game despite always clicking on the good answers. I don't dare ask him about his thoughts because I'm afraid that even if there was something he really wanted, I couldn't fulfill it. I know if I told him what hurt me, he would help. But I dare not speak. I'd rather just let him drift with the tide. Use me the way he want, it's still better to be a toy than nothing.

I let out a breath trembling. I pushed him away from me, I pushed him away. He was always kind to me, caring, I just wanted him good. But I pushed him away. I'm afraid to get closer to him. I am afraid that if he get to know me better he would be disgusted by me. I'm pathetic, aren't I?

I looked up at the sky.

Am I afraid of him?

Am I afraid to love him?

Am I afraid to be happy?

Maybe that's why I was never brave enough to really fall in love with someone. To love and accept from the bottom of my heart, a girl with a broken soul who just wants a hug. To have someone just hug you and say, "I'm here for you, whatever happens." or to cry over someone's shoulders. I'm broken, deep, inside. I'm going to hurt him, I don't want him to know these. There's an invisible wall between us that is full of scratches because I'm trying to break through. It is so close and yet so far away. I blew out the air. Okay, that's going to be good this way ... I've long since put up with always coming out of situations like this. How could I forget, funny, right?

Jumping over the railing, I arrived in the cool sand. I walked aimlessly to the endless ocean. Like the last flame of hope has gone out. The wind blew the scent of the salt sea towards me. I was already very close. The sea water was already licking my ankle. I went deeper and deeper, I was already licking my knees and then up to my waist. So that's how it should end, right...?