M's Diary

Introduction

Some days are too difficult. It always seems like I'm a fish out of water. It's almost like I'm a rock in a pile of diamonds. No one is gonna pick me. No one will ever even think about me. When they do.........it's destructive. There's a lot wrong....with me......with my life.......with my head.......with my heart. No matter what I do the wrongs follow. If I could describe myself in two words it'd be, Self Karma. I condemn myself. I hurt myself the most. I love too hard, I see the good in ever single person I meet, I want too help everyone, I love everyone........ Except one person. Myself. I despise myself. I let myself down so much. I don't know how to change it, or how to begin to accept that this is who I am. Maybe it has to do with everything that's happened to me. Every time something bad has happened I've felt more rage towards myself. It's like I'm falling more and more out of love with myself. I sometimes just want to escape my reality. I want to go into space and lay on the moon to stare at the stars. Change the perspective. I want to go to a place that's so ugly so that I can go in there and find the imperfections, because seeing those imperfections will make me feel at home. It'll be.........Perfect. I guess one of my qualities is that I find the beautiful in the ugly. Every little thing is beautiful to me. I even do this thing where I name everything. It's an impulse I have. I have so many trees named, and animals. Almost all the time I can recognize the things I name. I forced myself to stop telling people, I got really badly judged by friends and an ex, it destroyed me more than they thought. When I'm being my complete self is when most people hate it. I'm also obsessed with planets. I wish I could have my own planet. Or have a planet named after me. A planet that genuinely stands for peace. A planet that people will look at with a telescope, and one of the first things they say when they see it is...... "peace". I wish everyone on planet earth could be accepted. I want that so badly. At times I contemplate selling my soul for world peace, but I know that's too much. But I will try my hardest for my daughter to grow up in a place where we won't have to keep saying Black Lives Matter because they will. Or a place where immigrants can come to America for a better life and not get judged for it. Or a place where Love is Love, a place where all religions and cultures are appreciated, a place that respects women so we won't need the metoo movement. I just want love to surround the earth. If everyone came together to see each other as humans instead of seeing our differences I think this could all really change. I just want her to have a better start and better life. I want all children and people to have that. I might be the most thoughtful depressed person but hopefully there are more people like me. Suffering daily but constantly wanting to put good out into the world, and constantly trying to spread love. It's a little late for me right now. I need sleep. But hopefully tomorrow I can spread love to atleast one person. For now I'll try to give myself some self love by actually going to sleep instead of crying all night. Goodnight world, or good morning.
                                          Love, M.