incandescent ²

14. satellite

a r d e n

something is seriously, definitely wrong.

well, not with me — everything's wrong with me, so that's aside and settled — but something's very not good with ren. of course, everyone can tell, but i feel like an asshole for letting her go home on her own.

anyway, it's been half a week, and she hasn't shown up to the park since the night before the coffee place, and i'm starting to get a little worried.

only a little.

she might be dead. she isn't. not yet.

my subconscious likes to lie to me. and now, i wish i could forget about ren's existence. it's rude, i know, but it's getting in the way of my life and i can't do anything.

i don't even realize there's a ball in my hand until someone tackles me to the ground and it rolls to the other side of the room.

oh, and my ankle hurts a lot.

i can't remember if this is practice or an actual game, because i sincerely have no idea what's going on, neither do i know how i got into the gym in the first place.

that's a start. i'm at the gymnasium. our next few games are scheduled away, so it's not an actual game, it's a practice session; and i'm messing everything up.

coach jogs up to me and i don't even try to get up. i'd rather stay on the floor and wilt. that way, i'll be free from my judgy parents and i won't be able to think about ren.

damnit, i just did.

so, asking her out won't work for. . . obvious reasons, so i'll stick to midnight conversations. only problem is, i can't find her, and as far as i know, she could be dead.

i doubt she'd die without telling me, though. it makes no sense, but it doesn't seem right.

none of my thoughts are coherent. i think the fall bruised my brain.

"hayes, why are you still on the floor?" coach's talking to me, but i can't answer him. actually, i can't quite hear him anymore. his lips are moving, but there's no sound, and the chatter in the gym turns to a light buzzing sound, before dying down completely.

+++

am i dead?

no. the answer is obviously no.

i'm home and in bed, and arya's sitting at the foot of my bed, her short legs dangling over the edge. she's got a colouring book in hand, and may's seated next to her, but on the carpeted floor.

"how'd i get here?" i voice the question on my mind.

"may said you passed out," arya graciously answers. "like this." she makes a slitting motion across her neck.

may's eyes bulge and she swats arya's hand. "no, not like that. he got hit bad and then he fell. unfortunately, it didn't fix his amnesia."

i glance over to the window, and then to the clock that hangs over the door. "wait, it's almost midnight?" in an attempt to roll off the bed, my legs get tangled up in the covers and i fall. "ow."

may and arya both turn their attention to me. "not again," the younger girl whines.

"what's got you worked up this time?" may asks.

"ren, i guess. i couldn't stop thinking about her. she's been m.i.a., and i'm very worried because the last time i saw her, she wasn't doing so great."

i don't have time for explanations, but i can't put a bridle on my mouth — literally or figuratively — and shut up about her.

oh, wait. i can.

i grab the nearest shirt and throw it over my head. "want me to drive you home?" i ask may, not bothering to spare her a glance.

i feel like i'm missing something important.

i need to hurry the fuck up.

"no, i'm sleeping over. mom's out of town and after last time, i don't think i'm ready to spend the night with her stupid boyfriend."

i wince. "are you sure you don't want to get the police involved? i could help."

she shakes her head. "it's okay, i can handle it. plus, she'd kill me if she found out i was behind it." she sighs and trains her eyes on the floor. "i don't want to deal with one of her rages on top of all the boyfriend shenanigans."

"may—"

"no." her eyes dart to mine. "go and find your dream girl. leave me alone, okay? arya and i have a girls night planned and we don't want you messing it up."

i purse my lips. "are mom and dad still up?"

arya shakes her head. "if you don't leave now, i'm gonna have to blindfold you and have may push you out the window."

i chuckle. "alright, alright." i hold my hands up in mock surrender. "i'm out of here. you two have fun!"

☔︎☔︎☔︎

the stars are out, and they're shining brighter than usual, so i take that as a good sign, igniting a fire of hope in my heart.

hopefully, i find what i'm looking for— i mean, who i'm looking for.

i hate my brain for failing me in important times, and i hate that there's nothing i can do about it.

in almost no time i arrive at the park. the overhead sign is wearing with age; the local government should look into it soon and probably rebuild the park while they're at it.

there's a figure hunched over at the swings, and a smile creeps onto my face. "ren?" i say louder than intended.

the person's head snaps up and they look in my direction.

is it bad that my stomach's fluttering?

"ren, is that you?" i tear my way through the darkness and finally make it to the swing set. the figure is definitely ren, but something is definitely wrong, and i'm not sure i want to know what it is.

i place a hand on her back and rub it in a circular motion. "are you okay?"

she nods, though the sniffles and tearstains on her face tell me otherwise. "i— i'm fine." she's stuttering, and her body's shaking violently, and her lips are quivering and she looks so lifeless and pale, and god, i want to cry for her, but it's not gonna help.

instead, i make up my mind: i'll be here for her, up until she's not here for me to be here for.

+++
a/n

um . . . hi?
not so long chapter and i'm really sorry for how things are about to go down

anyway, have a nice day!