Hope Never Lasts

Chapter 1

I guess you can say it started off as a nice day. I opened my eyes to the sun shining on my face and cool breezes came through my window. I pushed my blacket away and it felt nice with the sun's warmth resting on my body as I woke up but it wasn't long until the voice inside my head had also woken up. I turned around and covered my ears with a pillow over the back of my head.

"Go away." I mumbled while burying my face in the soft bed. I wished this voice had a chill and took it easy on me once in a while. I knew that I had to get out of bed but I couldn't get up. It was as if the voice had vines that kept me bound to the bed. I tossed and turned until my mom came into my room to wake me up.

"Kerensa, it's 8:30 in the morning. Get up, I have to go to work and I need some help in the kitchen." she called as she barged into my room. I slowly sat up and stretched and took a few deep breaths to help me start the day. I got out of bed and started to make my bed as I started to hear the voice again.

"You are so lazy, step up your game damn it!" it said in an irritated tone. I closed my eyes, took another deep breath and kept making my bed. I finished making the bed and went to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and held my head and tried to calm myself down by breathing.

"You can't get rid of me, I am techinically your mind." it said with so much confidence. I got up and brought my phone to the bathroom so I don't have to think deep inside myself. I opened up tik tok and scrolled through a few times, brushed my teeth, put my phone away and walked down the stairs which is surprisingly pretty hard. I held the railing while I tried to walk down the stairs with blinking black and white spots and the steps seemed to be playing games. It's almost like the fancy mirrors that trick your mind but more real.

"Wow, you can't even walk down the stairs like a normal person." it said.

"Ugh, shut up!" I whispered to myself helplessly hoping it would make the voice go away. I finally made it down the stairs and headed for the kitchen taking another deep breath.

"You got this, just pretend nothing's wrong. Easy as that, right?" I told myself and drank a glass of water.

"Finally! You're here! How long does it take for you to get downstairs? Anyway, here, cut these vegetables.'' She handed me a cutting board filled with vegetables and a knife. I took them to the other counter and started dicing them when my voice chimed in.

"You have a knife in your hand ya know, and if you cut your finger you can say it's an accident 'cause you're cutting vegetables." it had a surprisingly calm sound, and the idea seemed nice. I zoned out and visualized what would happen if I did. The sight of blood seemed relaxing but, NO! I can't do that. I had to snap out of it.

"Why haven't you chopped the vegetables yet? You know I have to attend a meeting at 9 am." my mum reminded me.

"Right, sorry about that." I said as I went back to cutting the vegetables again. I handed my mom the vegetables after I cut them up. She told me to do a few more chores after that and after I finished them I went to take a shower. I went upstairs on all my fours. I was so tired already. I grabbed my towel and Alexa and headed for the bathroom.

"Hit your head against the door frame." it said, and I followed through. I didn't give it a second thought, I just did it and rubbed my head.

"Ow." I winced as I walked in the bathroom. "Alexa, play my music." I turned the water on and waited for the hot water. I stepped inside and let the hot water fall on me which was so calming. I got the shower gel and started feeling insecure as I washed myself.

"You're gaining weight." it said. "That's not attractive. Your waist is too big. Your thighs look like balloons filled with water. Those scars won't just disappear. Your neck's too long. Your hair is too frizzy, your face is filled with acne, it's so ugly." my hands touched my cheeks and I turned the volume up on Alexa. "You can't get rid of me. I am you." I turned the water off and was about to punch the wall but stopped midway.

"No, I can't keep doing this." I told myself. "I have to stop." I wrapped my towel around me and walked out. "Alexa, stop." I walked into my room and closed my door. I looked to my left side and found scissors sitting on the drawer. I grabbed them and sat infront of my dressing table resting my back against it. I looked at my thighs filled with scars that are still healing. I looked at the barcodes on my wrist and sighed. I put the scissors away in my table drawer and glanced at the calendar. "I'm 4 days clean. Just one more day." I told myself. I know, five days may not seem like much but for 2 years I have relied on hurting myself in order to control my emotions, I can't understand how emotions work or even be able to name my emotions. I used to be able to label my emotions even though they were fake.

"Kerensa!" I heard my dad call so I quickly dressed up and went down stairs avoiding the mirror as much as possible.

"Hey Dad." I said as I was walking downstairs, this time almost like a normal person this time.

"Wake up your brother."

"Okay." I went back upstairs to wake up my brother. I smiled while I walked to his bed.

"Why are you smiling? You don't deserve it." it said. My smile quickly faded and I sat next to my brother and hugged him.

"It's time to wake up lil bro." I pulled his blanket off of him. My brother is one of the main reasons I get the power to keep going. I asked for a brother when I was four for two whole years and I finally held him in my arms when I was six. I was so naive and happy back then.

"Nnghh." he whined.

"You have to wake up. Mom and Dad are calling you." He opened his eyes and snuggled beside me.

"Can I get a hug?"

"Okay, and then I'm gonna carry you to the bathroom." I gave him a hug and picked him up.

"Think you're all tough 'cause you can pick him up? You're mistaken." it said. I ignored it and dropped my brother at the bathroom door-step.

"'Kay, brush your teeth, do the bathroom stuff and come down." I told Titus, my brother. He dragged his feet into the bathroom while I closed his door and went downstairs with my computer.

"How long does it take to wake up Titus?! You are too lazy and you barely help around the house. You aren't even smart! Your grades should be so much higher. I was never like that at your age. I don't have time for this, go do whatever you want!" my mom yelled as soon as she saw me coming down. I just looked down and headed to a couch. I wrapped a blanket around my legs and started to study. The rest of the day was mostly just studying with a few more comments from my parents and the voice in my head. I've gotten used to them by now. When the evening came around, I decided to take a walk in the Woods as I like to do. I don't like to be seen outside and recognized so I wore sweatpants and a black hoodie.

"That's right, no one likes you, and you're too scared to admit that. That's why you cover up." It said.

"No one likes me," I repeated. "I'm just a waste of space."

"At least you got that right this time."

I wore my headphones and blasted the music as I went outside to walk.