"No," I said shyly responding to Ariana Grande. I sounded like Cat Valentine since I had a shy personality but I don't think Cat Valentine was shy. I used to also talk like that but not in a girly way when I was a boy in highschool. I also wasn't anything like her because my voice sounded bad and I would get bullied for it from my own friends. That's why I don't like hearing myself talk especially if I was talking I was still 5'4" and had stopped growing at 14 years old. I don't know why. It doesn't matter anyway. I remembered that this girl in highschool was looking for the rest of me because she thought that I was too short. My life was mainly ruined because of my pmo addiction. I was also bullied in highschool during junior year and senior year. Everyone kept thinking that I was a girl. They called me names like "tranny" "weirdo". Even my friend would ask if I was straight. Some guys were weird and turned on by me. I didn't even have long hair. I had a shorter than average guy haircut but I always shaved. I have been mistaken as a girl in public and also since I was born, but it didn't happen often. They were probably just trolling on my appearance. I was happy that I was a pretty girl now so that I could be accepted to myself and others. I cut myself, stabbed myself with knives and cried before in private since I wasn't a girl. I was fantasizing about being a girl from very young.
I also kept having dreams about turning into a girl and I didn't want them. I dreamed that Ariana Grande turned me into a full girl and I was on set with her. I dreamed her multiple times doing this to me. My friend who was a girl in highschool said that I should cut off my private part and become a girl instead. I also had feelings for her but then she liked a guy who was 6 foot plus tall and he was my bully. My family made fun out of my acne by saying that I can't be Harry Potter because Harry Potter doesn't have any acne. I still remembered it six years later and forever. I was also bullied by girls all the time for having acne and oily skin. I was still bullied in college one time by this girl. I was also bullied by other girls in middle school and highschool.
Anyway let me talk about my friend-crush. I didn't know if I should ask her out because I thought that it was too early. We only talked for three weeks. I was too infatuated. When she left it was like she was never there. I was depressed for three months when I stopped talking to her because I was jealous that she was interested in another guy. I was too selfish. I also ignored her out of spite and jealousy. She also tried to help me with my pmo addiction and got angry and violent one time when I relapsed and her friends laughed at me and said, "so cute" when I tried to dodge a slap from her in public in the high school cafeteria. I was a senior in high school and she was a sophomore. I was 17 and she was 16, because I think that she got left back for cutting all of her classes. She also looked like Guyanese Indian version of Ariana Grande and also dressed like her. I was also a bad person because I ignored her out of jealousy but she wasn't because she tried to help me with my addiction. She kept saying, "don't do it" every time we met. It's like telling someone not to think of a pink elephant dancing over a rainbow and then the image comes to your mind. We would only talk for one minute and then she would leave.
For the whole of high school and all of my life I had social anxiety and was in my head all of the time. I can't go back to high school. We just get older to die and what we see on television is just a fantasy and we are programmed to believe that is how life is.
Also true love doesn't exist for me. It's just an illusion.
Everyday when I was in high school I didn't like it. I wanted my high school life to be like the show "Victorious" I watched since I was nine years old. My favorite character was Cat Valentine. I discovered that the actress of her was Ariana Grande and I fell in love as a fan with this celebrity and character. She was also very beautiful. She was actually my first crush even though she was a celebrity. I'm in love with her personality. She's so kind, caring, funny, humble, talented, determined, hardworking, strong, and openminded.
There's much more about my past but I don't want to talk about it. I'm a girl now and I want to forget everything and look forward to my new life with Ariana Grande as my older sister.
