A Court of Gardens and Assassins

Chapter Thirteen: The (Not So) Grand Finale

Once everyone was finished, whether sexually or permanently, they all disembarked the ship. The ladies left the boat faster than my dad when I was conceived. The High Ladies and the Bat Boys flew over the open water faster than the human fell in love with Barry B Benson in the Bee Movie. Seriously, what the fuck was that.

As the ladies and bat boys reached solid ground, they heard a maniacal laugh off in the distance accompanied by the song WAP by Cardi B to set the tone.

"I'm wanted in 13 states for child endangerment, tax fraud and elder abuse. I'm off to start a new life here for myself under my alias Duke Depp." Wonka screamed.

Wonka had stolen the boat faster than the high ladies could say Whipple-Scrumptious Fudge-Mallow Delight which was also ironically what Wonka nicknamed his cum. He was off plowing the seas and sailing off into the sunset never to be seen again (unless you have TikTok of course).

Everyone's attention went straight to Mulch who had been watching everything go down (literally).

"Absolute fucking creep." Muttered Marisa, rolling her eyes as Azriel made a hand gesture to ward off evil spirits or crackheads; directed wholly at Mulch. "I have performance anxiety, you bitch."

Judith and Marie moved to Mulch's left, while Em and Andrea flanked her right. It wouldn't take more than a three year old to beat Mulch, but the Ladies surrounded her, cutting her off in every direction like cop cars to a meth head in a high speed car chase.

"You're coming with us, Mulch." Rhys ground out, advancing on the female. Mulch, being stupid and usless, didn't even realized she was being detained until Rhys lifted a hand and handcuffs of shadow encircled both of her wrists.

"Oh! Yay! I'm being included!" Mulch beamed, even as every single other person rolled their eyes.

"Bloody hell." Heather said with an exasperated sigh. "We're taking you Under the mountain. We have a friend there and he'll be so happy to meet you."

Mulch smiled again, "A friend? I've never had one of those before unless you count the flowers or Nesta."

"Yea, fuckin makes sense." Marisa snorted.

"Let's go." Judith urged, strolling back to her spot beside Marisa, her lover (one of many). Azriel went first, stepping back into his shadows, then Rhys, winnowing with Cassian, Judith, Heather, and Marisa. Mor left last, winnowing with Amren, Em, Andrea, and unfortunately, Mulch.

They winnowed directly into Under the Mountain, past the closed down tunnels and blocked pathways. The whole environment was sketchier than a perverted uncle at a family reunion when he mentions his niece's short shorts.

Their footsteps were the only sound in the vast expanse of cave, save for Mulch's useless breathing. It was like she had sleep apnea even though she's awake. The tunnels were as black as Lil Huddy.

They stopped at the edge of one of those tunnels, peering over the side. No movement from below like a middle aged man failing to get an erection - yet. Feyre had killed the Middengard Wyrm in the trials, but little did anyone know, the Wyrm had a lesser known relative named Cletus. Cletus was its cousband which is a cousin/husband. The worms were blind you can't be mad at it for not seeing they were related. Like a fetus... he was a bit smaller, less teeth and a mistake.

"Who wants the pleasure?" Judith asked, motioning to Mulch, where she stood way too close to the edge. The Ladies might not have even needed to push the dumb bitch, she might just fall herself.

"Pleasure?" Mulch asked innocently, red blooming on her cheeks.

"Yea, pleasure," huffed Cassian as he shoved Mulch into the tunnel. Mulch yelped, much more dramatically than necessary. Movement stirred in the mud behind Mulch as she stood, looking up at the gathered group.

"That's for taking my top away," Cassian yelled down at her before possessively taking Az into his arms.

"That was fun," she said, looking down at the flecks of mud on her skirt which reminded her of home, "But how am I going to get up?"

"Well, here's the thing, bruv, you're not," Heather said in a British accent. She then began to heavily contour her face and draw on eyebrows as thick as her accent.

Cletus drew closer to Mulch, flaring its nostrils like a possessive alpha werewolf in a wattpad fan fic. Like its cousin, Cletus didn't have eyes, and relied heavily on its sense of smell. It got closer still, Mulch still not even noticing the towering Wyrm until it was on top of her like a college student trying to earn extra credit.

She turned, craning her neck to see the head of the Wyrm. It sniffed her, then around her, then lifted its head and sniffed the surrounding air. It was unbelievable. Mulch actually spent so much time in the fucking dirt, the Wyrm couldn't even smell her rank ass. The Ladies and Bat Boys looked at Mulch in astonishment, their surprise written on their faces.

"Nasty bitch," Azriel sneered before once again stepping back into his shadows and disappearing, presumably to the Dusk Court. Mulch waved like an idiot at the shadows stirring in Az's wake, and continued waving as the group began to join hands with looks of disgust in their faces.

"Peace out bitch," Mor cooed a split second before they winnowed, leaving Mulch in the mud like Feyre did Rhysand when she discovered they were mates.

Back at the Dusk court, the group saw Az standing amidst his shadows in the centre of the ballroom (one of many).

"Did you guys hear that?" Az whispered, glancing around the room.

"What? Our victory?" Cassian chuckled, striding to Az's side where he belonged. Either beside or inside didn't matter. Cassian's place was all of Az's sides.

"No, something else. Somethi-" Az was cut off by a gust of wind, and the entire group gawked like any reader at a dark haired boy with trauma, as three figures appeared before them.

"No fucking way," Cassian and Rhys muttered at the same time. Standing before them was the ghost of Suriel, Sabrina, and Avery.

"Dude, we're getting the band back together!" Suriel exclaimed. He recently had gone to therapy for the trauma he experienced on the boat and had spent a hot minute in rehab fixing his drinking problem.

"If only my parents did that too," Marisa grumbled sadly, earning a pat on the back from ghost Avery.

"Hey bitches! Hey Tripod Rhys," ghost Sabrina said with a sultry ghost smile while tucking her ghost hair behind her ghost ear. Rhys just stared, open mouthed, at the female he'd actually obliterated only hours ago like a Taco Bell bathroom on a Tuesday. Cassian had a similar look on his face, being compliant in real murder. Ghost Avery only ghost smiled at him.

"Thank you, Cass, this is significantly more fun. Life's as hard as Wonka's grip around my neck. My advice? Just die."

THE END