Fantasy Reviews [CLOSED]

Fireblood's Crest

Prologue

So, just barely getting into the prologue and I'm already thrown off by the mixture of Points of Views. Rather than having Xemia narrating at the beginning of the story, maybe you could weave that into Shamila's POV. Though I did find that a little interesting, I would definitely suggest that so it hooks the readers a bit more. Also, unless there are multiple POVs in the story, I don't think you need to have "Shamila's POV" in bold if you take out Xemia narrating as it seems to interrupt the flow. I do like Shamila's personality so far though. I think there could be a little more added to it, but you're off to a good start. One thing I would suggest, though, is instead of flat out saying "My name is Shamila" maybe you could create a scene where her best friend shows up and calls out her name. That would give the readers more of a show rather than tell what's going on. The last thing I'll mention is that there seems to be a little trouble with dialogue and action tags. When there's a dialogue tag, you use a comma and lowercase the word after it. For example: ""I need my red hat," said Shamila." When there's an action tag, you will use a period and uppercase the word after it. For example: ""I need my red hat." Her fingers landed on the hook where her hat once was." This can be a little difficult, but I'm sure with practice, you'll master it! The end of the prologue hooked me, which is exactly what you want to happen so you did great! I'm interested in Stormlead and where they will head to next!

Chapter One

Ooh, this is exciting! I've always been interested in horses so watching Shamila getting ready to pick one out is fun! I'm glad she met all of her roommates, but there are a lot of people being introduced at once and with all the dialogues in the same paragraph it makes it a bit confusing who's saying what. I would suggest putting each new person who speaks in a new paragraph until the next person speaks to make it a bit easier. Other than this though, I'm interested to see what they're learning next!

Chapter Two

Jumping into this chapter I've noticed in the beginning you have too many sentences that don't make sense. After your first sentence, instead of 'When a dragon appeared. Red in color. White teeth." You could say: "A dragon appeared next to me with bright white teeth, built in fire." Or something similar. I do think it would be better to describe the saddle rather than having a picture of it in between your chapter as it interrupts the flow. I am a little confused about what's happening now, but I do think it's cool that everyone healed Avalon at the end. It'll be interesting to see what happens next!

Chapter Three

I've noticed lately that we don't get much description about where everyone's at. I'm having a little trouble visualizing each scene. It may be good to add a couple sentences here and there to help us see where we are in each chapter. Another thing I'd suggest is to have one Point of View per chapter, to help keep the flow going easily without breaking it. The ending of it was interesting though. I wonder how much pain she will be in from the Fireblood's Crest and it made me curious to see how they handle the situation they're all in and what they do from there.

Chapter Four

I'm glad they made it back to the academy, although it seemed a bit odd that they got taken on a flight like it was something serious, but then they just ended up at the academy and were told there was no destination. I will say that whenever a new person speaks, there should be a new paragraph as it helps keep the flow in order and doesn't confuse the readers. I was confused quite a bit this chapter with who was speaking. This chapter seemed a little slow, but hopefully the action will pick up again soon! I'm excited to see where this leads them.

Chapter Five

The Fireblood's Crest is interesting! I'm curious to see what happens when they get it out of her. So far while reading, I've noticed a few dialogue tag errors. Make sure to review dialogue and action tags so you know the correct one to use when writing. Honestly, I'm a tad confused as to what's truly going on. It could be because I haven't read the chapter in a while, but I'm struggling a bit to see what the real point of the story is. It'll be interesting to see where they're headed once she wakes up!

Chapter Six

Your first two paragraphs of this chapter are worded somewhat odd in a few places. I can understand what's happening, but you may want to re-word it a bit. It's nice to see them working together as she learns how to fly again. I do think that it would be better if you described where they are going, rather than putting pictures. It will immerse the reader more and make them want to read. I would also suggest the same when describing Avalon. More descriptions and less pictures would work better in my opinion. I would also suggest adding a cliffhanger. With the dinner scene it really slows down the flow of the chapter and I think it would be good if there was something that pulled the reader in. Not much happened in this chapter so it would be good to keep your readers interested with that.

Chapter Seven

Azalea is definitely a hyper one haha. I love her energy. One thing I would suggest is when you say '3 and ½ hours later' I would actually type that out to be 'three and a half hours later' as it keeps the flow going with the story. At the part talking about getting coffee, I was a little confused with 'dias Azalea" after the dialogue. I'm not sure what you meant there. You may want to clarify that. I've noticed some grammatical errors in this chapter. An example I can think of is after dialogue when you say 'I said hugging her.' I believe there should be a comma between said and hugging and I've noticed this happens in multiple places so you may want to read over that. There was an interesting end to the chapter! It'll be nice to see what they go do!

Chapter Eight

I'm not really sure what to say for this chapter as I believe I've covered most of what I wanted to say in other chapters. Aside from that, I enjoyed the little bit of background information that we get from some of the characters. That's helpful to imagine the story!

Chapter Nine

I enjoyed this chapter! I loved the action in this one and I think you could really expand on that and make this chapter longer if you wanted to! I like that there were secrets in this too. That could cause some drama later. I'm excited to see what happens next!

Chapter Ten

One thing I would suggest off the bat is if you want Avalon being a prince to be kept a secret until it's revealed, I don't think you should make it a chapter title. In this case we already know this before it's even said in the chapter. I am a bit confused with this chapter as there's a lot of different things going on and doesn't seem to have enough context. The third person POV in the middle of the chapter threw me off a bit as there are still some sentences that are written in first. You may want to give this chapter a read through to fix these mistakes.

Chapter Eleven

It was a bit difficult for me to keep up with everything going on in this chapter. First there was a fight and then they left and I'm not quite sure what's going on now. I definitely think with the removal of the crest that those scenes could be expanded on as it seems to be important information. I hope things work out for them! Overall, there were errors throughout the chapters I read, which I explained, but I think with some expanding this book could do well!