incandescent ²

15. haze

l a u r e n

i can't believe i'm still alive.

not that i don't want to be, but it's hard to wrap my head around the fact that i still exist.

just a few hours ago, i was "released" from the hospital. basically, my doctor convinced my parents to let me go home, and i snuck out again because a part of me was worried that arden might think i was dead.

not that i was far from it.

i can't breathe properly, my whole body hurts like i'm being pounded to a mush over and over again, and i know i won't make it till my next birthday, which by my standards, is a good thing.

"i know you like stars, but can you connect them to form constellations?" arden asks.

he's been trying to help me take my mind off the pain, but that's nearly impossible and i keep telling him to stop, but he's insistent on doing something so he won't feel useless, so i let him.

i nod slowly, because quick movements could cause my neck to snap in two. my bones are really weak, and i don't know how the hell i was able to walk all the way here.

"okay, so tell me; at this time of the year, is it possible to see the kuiper belt?" his brow arches and i almost burst out laughing.

"the kuiper belt is not a constellation." i can't successfully suppress my laughter, so a giggle escapes right before i clamp my mouth shut using my hands. "but the orion belt is, and we have lynx, draco, ursa major, basically all the horoscopes, ursa minor, and of course, other ones i won't name."

his lips pull into a pout and he turns his attention to the night sky. it's unusually speckled with yellow-golden flecks that reflect mesmerizing lights, and it resembles a dark pool with yellow lights underneath.

"do you believe that people become stars? after they die, i mean," i ask as i pull my knees up to my chest. tears sting at my eyes but i'd rather sit like this than let my legs dangle any longer.

"careful." arden reaches over to steady my swing. "i don't want you to fall over."

i shut my eyes and breathe. "you can't escape the inevitable, arden."

"but you can stretch it out, make most of the time you have, and put the inevitable off until later."

no. i've cheated death for far too long.

he's standing extremely close to me now, and my heart is pounding against my ribcage. it's really painful, but i can't calm it down. my breath hitches and when his fingers trace my skin, my heart stops — thankfully — and it feels like all time pauses.

no.

"please, hands off," i manage to say, and he rips himself off like i burned him.

"i'm sorry," he whispers, and it sounds like he's still too close for comfort.

i don't like what's happening to me. i hate that i'm catching feelings at this stage in my life, because i'm gonna hurt him. no matter what happens, even if i somehow make it, i will inevitably hurt him, and i don't want that to happen.

"it's not your fault, it's the—"

"trauma," he finishes with a curt nod. "i totally get it, and it's okay. don't stress yourself over it." he walks to the front of the swing so that he's facing me, and i think he's forgotten about my want for distance, because the next thing i know, his lips are on mine.

talk about invasion of privacy.

i can't push him away. i wouldn't do it even if i could, because as much as i deny it, i sort of want this.

our lips are pressed together, and there's no tongue battle or heatedness, just a soft collision that sets my heart on fire. my brain is no longer working, and i can't think, but that's great because i don't want to.

it's just us, the swing set and the stars, and his unexpectedly strong arms keeping me from falling backwards.

i'm the first to pull back, and when he looks me in the eyes, he realizes why.

"i'm sorry," he repeats the phrase over and over again like a prayer, and i hate myself for having a terminal disease.

i'm shaking again, and he grips my shoulders firmly. he's the only thing keeping me from falling, and the only thing keeping me sane.

"i'm taking up space, arden. i'm consuming air and food and money that my family needs for things that actually matter. . ." i pause to catch my breath, but it's pointless. my lungs are failing me. "i don't want to live like this. i'm tired of feeling guilty, tired of feeling like a burden. i'm tired of being a burden."

"i'd tell you to shut up but i don't want to be rude."

i let out a snort. hey, whaddya know? i can still manage that.

"but you are definitely not a burden. i doubt your family complains about you — you said it yourself; they care too much. make the most of that. enjoy the time you have left with the people who care about you." he takes my hand in his, grazing my knuckles with his thumb. "please?"

i bite my bottom lip and suck in air. "i don't have enough time to make the most of. i want to go on car rides and road trips with my sister, but i can't. i want to fall in love — i want to fall in love with you."

his face lights up like the fourth of july. "but—"

i force a smile. it doesn't stay long. "but the universe is against me. and i don't want to get in the way of your life, so maybe this all cancels out. maybe it'll be okay. maybe it's all for the best."

he looks up. "if people do become stars when they die, i'd like to name your star. i mean, it'll be named after you, but. . . or maybe i could join you."

no.

"no. i won't let that happen. arden, are you insane?"

before he can reply, i open my mouth again.

"there's nothing you can say to take back that offer. why the hell would you even consider that? don't let this be a low budget version of romeo and juiliet. don't be an idiot. don't kill yourself because of someone who was doomed from the start. think about your family, your friends, me."

"i'm sorry."

+++
a/n

god, i'm so happy
but so not happy
anyway, incandescent will be completed before the fifth of october :)
and we have about five chapters left—

have a wonderful day! i love you <3